**Diary Entry 5th March**
He married you out of pity, my sister said before leaving the kitchen.
They called from school about Katie again, Marina set her cup down so sharply that tea splashed onto the table. Her teacher says shes stopped trying in lessons. Sits there like a ghost.
I flinched and put down the knife Id been using to peel potatoes. Marina stood in the doorway, arms crossed, wearing that expression Id known since childhoodthe one that always meant something unpleasant was coming.
Maybe shes just tired? The curriculum is demanding these days, I replied quietly, picking up another potato.
Tired? Marina scoffed. Whats she got to be tired about? James spoils her rotten, you fuss over her like shes ill, and whats the result? Bad marks and notes in her planner.
I stayed silent. Katie *had* changed since James and I married. Shed withdrawn, gone quiet. She used to be so lively, so chatty. Teachers praised her; classmates adored her. Now
Do you know what I think? Marina moved closer, sitting across from me. Katie *knows*. Children sense falseness better than adults.
What are you on about? I looked up.
That this marriage of yours is one big lie, she said calmly, but her voice was steel. Do you think she doesnt notice how you and James act around each other? Like strangers sharing a house.
My chest tightened. The potato slipped from my fingers into the water.
We get on fine.
Oh, come off it! Im not blind. You dont even argue properlyjust exist side by side. James comes home from work, eats, watches telly. You cook, clean, do the laundry. Like flatmates, not husband and wife.
Not every couple has to row, I kept my voice steady. Maybe were just quiet people.
Marina shook her head.
Lena, stop lying to yourself. Youve seen how James looks at youor rather, how he *doesnt*. When you walk into a room, he doesnt even glance up from his paper.
It was true. Id noticed ages ago but pushed the thought away. James hardly seemed to register me. A nod in the morning, a question about dinner at night. Conversations were all logisticsno warmth, no smiles.
Remember how he used to look at Olivia? Marina pressed. When she was still alive?
I stiffened. She rarely mentioned Jamess first wife.
Dont, Marina.
I *will*. You remember them together. How he doted on her when she was ill. Couldnt take his eyes off her. His hands shook when the doctor spoke. And now? If you caught flu, he wouldnt so much as fetch you paracetamol.
I stood and went to the window. Rain tapped against the glass. I remembered the day James proposedsix months after Olivias funeral. Wed been drinking tea in the kitchen while Katie slept. After a long silence, hed said:
*Lena will you marry me? Katie needs a mother, and I I cant manage alone.*
No words of love. Just a practical solution.
He married you out of pity, Marina said, then left.
The words echoed in my head. *Out of pity*. Maybe it was true. James had pitied mea woman in her thirties, alone, no husband, no children. And Id pitied hima widower with a little girl. The result? A house without love. And Katie, caught in the middle.
I returned to the potatoes, hands shaking. I thought of the night Id said yes. Back then, it felt *right*. That love might grow later. That being needed was enough.
Two years on, nothing had changed. James was polite, gratefulbut cold. Sometimes Id catch him staring at Olivias photo in the sitting room. His face would soften, eyes tender in a way they never were for me.
The front door slammed. Katie was home. She went straight to her roomno hello, no chatter about her day like before.
I followed. She sat at her desk, hunched over a textbook, though I could tell she wasnt reading.
Katie, love, how was school?
Fine, she mumbled, not looking up.
Need help with your homework?
No. Ill manage.
I sat on the edge of her bed. She still didnt turn.
Sweetheart, whats wrong? You hardly talk to me anymore.
When she finally met my eyes, the sadness in them was too old for a child.
Whats the point? she whispered. Youll leave soon anyway.
Why would I leave?
Because Dad doesnt love you, she said simply, like stating a fact. He only loved Mum. He just puts up with you.
My throat tightened. So she *did* understand. Had been carrying this, silent and afraid.
Katie, Im not going anywhere. I promised, didnt I?
But youre sad. I hear you crying at night.
I had no answer. Lately, I *had* criednot from hurt, but from the slow suffocation of living someone elses life.
That evening, after James came home, I waited. We ate in silence. Katie bolted her food and vanished. James turned on the telly.
James we need to talk.
He muted the TV, frowning. Whats wrong?
The school rang today. Katies struggling.
Right. What do you suggest?
I sat opposite him, hands clasped. Do you think its *really* about school? Maybe she senses somethings off with us.
Dont follow.
Were not a family. Were two people sharing a mortgage.
His brow furrowed. Lena, I dont see the issue. Katies fed, clothed, cared for
But she doesnt have happy parents, I said softly. Children notice.
James looked away, out the window. What do you want me to say?
The truth. Why did you marry me?
The clock ticked. The fridge hummed.
Katie needed a mother, he said at last. I needed someone to run the house. Youre a good cook, tidy. Katie likes you.
And love?
He met my eyes, and what I saw was closer to regret than affection.
Lena, I never promised love. I told you why I needed a wife.
He was right. He *had* been clear. Id assumed his reserve was just bloke-ish awkwardness. That feelings would come. But thered been none to start with.
If Olivia were alive, I asked, would you have married me?
His face changedgentled.
But she isnt.
Answer me.
If Olivia were alive, Id never have remarried, he said plainly.
There it was. The truth Id known but feared. Id always be seconda placeholder.
James what if I left?
He blinked. Why? This works.
For *you*. Not for me. Or Katie.
Shes just got teenage moods.
No. Shes bright. She *knows*.
He stood, pacing. What do you want, Lena? For me to *force* myself to love you? It doesnt work like that.
I dont want forced love. I want to be free to find someone wholl love me properly.
He stopped, turned. And Katie?
She stays with you. But she needs a father whos presentnot stuck in the past.
A long silence. Then he sank back into his chair.
Where will you go?
Marinas, till I find a job and a flat.
I wont file for divorce.
I will.
Another pause.
What do I tell Katie?
The truth. That adults make mistakes. That well always be friends, just not together.
He nodded. Alright. Maybe youre right.
That night, I lay awake, terrified of starting overbut more terrified of wasting my life as a substitute.
In the morning, I knocked on Katies door before school.
Sweetheart, I need to tell you something.
She eyed me warily.
Im leaving. Not because I dont love you. But sometimes grown-ups realise theyve made the wrong choice.
Silence.
Youll stay with Dad. Ill be nearby. You can call or visit whenever.
What about Dad? she whispered.
Hell be okay. He needs time too.
Suddenly, she hugged me.
Lena will you find a nice man? One who loves you properly?
I dont know, love. But Ill try to be happy.
Good. I hated when you cried.
I packed quicklyjust essentials. James saw me to the door.
Lena, he said, thank you. These two years Youre a good woman. Youll find better.
And youll learn to live in the present, I replied.
Marina hugged me without questions. Better late than never.
That evening, Katie called.
Lena? Dad took Mums photo down today. Said it was time. And he booked me a therapist. Said I should talk about everything.
Thats good, love.
He also said youre brave. That hes proud to have known you.
I smiledproperly, for the first time in ages.
Maybe Marina was right. Maybe James *had* married me out of pity. But I didnt need pity anymore. I needed love. And now, at last, I stood a chance of finding it.
