I never loved my wife, and I told her so many times. It wasnt her faultwe got on quite well, really. She never kicked up a fuss or held it against mealways kind, always caring. But the problem stayed the same: there was no love.
Every morning, Id wake up thinking I should leave. I dreamed of finding a woman I could truly love. But I never imagined how things would turn upside down.
With Sophie, I was comfortable. Not only did she keep the house spotless, but she was also stunning. My mates were jealousthey couldnt believe my luck.
Neither could I, honestly. Im just an ordinary bloke, nothing special. And yet she loved me How?
Her love gnawed at me. Worse was the thought that if I left, someone else would take my place. Someone richer, better-looking, more successful.
The idea of her with another man drove me mad. She was mineeven if I didnt love her. That sense of possession was stronger than reason. But can you live your whole life with someone you dont love? I thought I couldturns out I was wrong.
«Tomorrow, Ill tell her everything,» I decided before bed. At breakfast, I finally worked up the nerve.
«Sophie, sit down. We need to talk.»
«Of course, love. Whats on your mind?»
«Imagine we got divorced. I leave, we live apart»
Sophie laughed. «Whats this nonsense? Is this some sort of game?»
«Hear me out. Im serious.»
«Alright, fine. Im imagining it. What next?»
«Answer honestlywould you find someone else if I left?»
«Matthew, whats got into you? Why are you even thinking about leaving?»
«Because I dont love you. I never have.»
«What? Are you joking? I dont understand.»
«I want to go, but I cant. The thought of you with someone else it eats at me.»
Sophie went quiet for a moment, then said calmly,
«Youve got nothing to worry about. I wont find anyone better, so go aheadI wont be with anyone else.»
«Promise?»
«Of course,» she said.
«Wait but where would I even go?»
«Youve got nowhere?»
«No. Weve spent our whole lives together. Guess Id have to stay close,» I said, miserable.
«Dont worry,» Sophie replied. «After the divorce, well swap the flat for two smaller ones.»
«Really? I didnt expect you to help me like this. Why would you?»
«Because I love you. When you love someone, you cant keep them against their will.»
Months passed, and we divorced. Then I found out Sophie hadnt kept her promise. Shed moved on with someone else, and the flat she inherited from her gran? Never planned to share it. I was left with nothing.
How am I supposed to trust women now? No idea. I sit here in my rented room, staring at the divorce papers still tucked in the drawer, and wonder how I didnt see it coming. She loved me enough to let me go, but not enough to wait. Or maybe she loved me too much to stay. I still dont know which one hurts more. The truth is, I never wanted to leave herI just wanted to be wanted. And now, in this silence, I realise I was never really gone. I just became a ghost in the life we used to share.
