Kate is a rather oldfashioned young woman and she is desperate to get married. Nowadays most girls dont seem keen on marriage: why bring home a whole pig when a single sausage will do? And today sausages of every sort and size line the shelves. Even simple cohabitation is now welcomed and isnt considered a scandal like it once was. Back then there was still a sense of honour, pride, propriety and a host of other customs that feel completely unnecessary now.
Even a lazy character like Mr. Bean no longer draws a negative reaction after all, his estate keeps sending him regular allowances! If you hand Ian Iles, the modern office clerk, a smartphone, he instantly becomes a successful blogger who has made it. As for family life, people do as they wish: they meet in hotels, in shortterm rentals whatever theyve invented for themselves. Theres even the idea of a guest marriage, skipping the ceremony at the registry altogether. Who knows what might happen after a wedding? In the past, a pair of missing socks or a poor soup was a tragedy; now the real scares are infantilism, momsyndrome, and chronic nothingdoing among suitors. And that nothingdoing isnt limited to men women too indulge in endless selfpraise.
Of course, there are still demands from both sides, not just bread and entertainment: you can eat your own bread. And theres always shopping.
Kate is a pleasant exception: shes goodlooking without any trendy bodymodding, she has a university degree from a prestigious college, and a solid job that pays a decent salary. Yet, for some reason, men simply ignore her. They walk past her in tidy rows, pairing off with others and stumbling onto the same old traps. It isnt that she never meets men she is attractive but nothing ever reaches the registry office. Shes about to turn thirty next year. In the old days people said a woman would be past childbearing age after twentyfive, but now the cutoff is sixty, with young mums popping up everywhere. Kate doesnt want to have a child on her own, without a husband.
She also believes in horoscopes more precisely, in astrological forecasts. Horoscopes, after all, were invented by clever folk to make a quick buck. In these uncertain times the predictions are all upbeat: A fateful meeting with a billionaire awaits you on Tuesday afternoon. So she packs a toothbrush just in case, because who knows if he has serious intentions.
Kate looks for a partner whose sign matches hers: shes a Sagittarius, a fire sign. Aries and Leo share that element, and Sagittarius is considered the most easygoing of the three. Her first great love comes during her first year at university an age now dismissed as nurserylevel, what do eighteenyearold toddlers even understand? They do learn a thing or two about where theyre heading, though; sex education has changed, so were no longer in the woods with our own pollen and stamens.
Soon she hits a creative block. She has to pay the bills, the bus fare, and buy food. For the first time she has to shop for groceries herself instead of raiding a shared fridge. Her parents used to support her financially, but now she lives alone and two peoples wages dont stretch far enough. Her boyfriend, Tom, is taken aback.
Are you not going to buy the groceries? he asks, genuinely puzzled.
Why should I? Kate replies, surprised.
But the fridge is yours and Im not the owner, Tom explains, his logic oddly sound.
If thats the only issue, Kate says cleverly, I can hand over all the household authority run the kitchen as you like!
Predictably, Tom disappears, stops greeting her, and they drift apart despite being in the same lecture group. A fire sign, a Sagittarius, what a coincidence!
The registry never becomes a reality, but Kate already starts making plans. She loves Tom after all, he was her first boyfriend. Youth and time, however, move on, and a second steady boyfriend appears when Kate is in her third year. He isnt from university; hes a bit of a free spirit.
Simon is noticeably older, over thirty, and he declares, Well definitely get married, love! Hes already divorced. Does love have any barriers? He does love Kate. But Simon has no permanent job. This was before the latest economic downturn and the special operations that have complicated life for everyone. Even without a pandemic, his life is riddled with permanent hassles: bosses who are impossible, unreasonable demands, an unbearable schedule. He complains, They keep kicking me out, love! Im so nervous, Im nervous!
When Kate suggests he become a courier, he proudly proclaims, Im an analyst!
Can an analyst be a courier? she asks sensibly. Drive and analyse as you wish whos stopping you? I spent my last pounds on food yesterday.
Just ask your mum! Say were having a temporary slump!
Ive been telling my mum about a temporary slump for two months!
Time is a remarkably long thing! he quotes, smiling at her, How do you like my erudition? You should be thrilled, love, that youve snagged a fellow like me!
Then dont ask me for food, Kate retorts, adding, Since the good old days are over, get moving! Shes not only witty, shes resourceful.
What did you just suggest I move my legs for? Simon snaps. Did you just propose that to me? Its the first time someone has turned the tables on him; he usually breaks up with women.
No, I was talking to Mayakovsky! Kate jokes, You can both go away! Let him feed you now.
Its an insult, and no respectable man can endure that. Simon, a Capricorn, is supposed to be diligent and reliable a reminder that even horoscopes can be trusted sometimes.
The third suitor, Leo, also trusts the stars; they met on an astrology forum and their chats turned into genuine feelings. Yet Leo insists on calling their signs zodiacsigns in a goofy way.
Why do you keep mangling the word? Kate asks.
Come off it! he laughs. Its funny!
She remembers her grandmothers wise words: Youre all set Ive got everything sorted without you.
His language is a parade of madeup words: Snafudoodle, stervadesa, and Dubina Regovic. He thinks hes being clever at fortyone, but Kate, now twentysix, finds it tiresome. Their jobs are good, theyre both free, and Simon has an adult son from his previous marriage.
At first Simon is shy, then he settles in, giving his all. A scandal erupts when, in front of Kates grandfather a retired intelligence officer the groom calls the famous revolutionary Zerdin by a nonsense name and bursts out laughing.
Jesus, Mary! the grandfather shrieks, his Polish roots showing. Get out of here, you scoundrel!
The scene takes place at a family gathering where theyre already acting as bride and groom. Their attempt to register the marriage also falls through. Leo, a Taurus, shares an earth element with the Capricorn, and Taurus are notoriously touchy.
Then Kate meets Peter. He has no irritating traits whatsoever: divorced, childfree, handsome, reasonably welloff, educated, a good sense of humour, and a tidy onebed flat. Hes also thrifty, a bit tightfisted, and born under Virgo another earth sign known for prudence and careful saving, perfect for domestic life.
Could this finally be the happy ending? They file paperwork, Peter moves in with Kate and rents out his old flat. He asks Kate to register him at her address.
Why? Kate asks, puzzled. Youre already registered at your place! I get it if you have no address at all today that would be a disaster but why now?
Why what? Peter replies, equally baffled. We love each other, were a family, so everything should be shared!
It reminds Kate of an old joke: Transfer your flat onto me, please! She corrects herself, Sorry, I meant do you believe in God?
Only then the conversation circles back to love.
Okay, Peter says after a brief pause. You spoke well about love, family and sharing, so Im in. Ill register you, and youll register me.
Where? he asks.
In my flat everything is now joint!
But you dont live there! he protests after another pause.
If thats the only issue, lets rotate: a month in my place, a month in yours, Kate suggests, a hint of disappointment in her voice, realizing shes still left with an empty slot.
Peter falls silent; nothing clever comes to mind. He hadnt thought that far ahead. Kate cant argue.
What now? she asks, eyes on his formerly confident face. Seems like a sensible solution.
Nothing else is missing just the oddity of registering a stranger in your own flat! If only he could register himself as her spouse, maybe something would work out.
Peter, ever a bit miserly, had taken over his first wifes flat after she left. Both sit in uneasy silence, unsure how to proceed. Pretending nothing happened no longer works.
Kate leaves the kitchen for the living room theyre having dinner, letting the boyfriend sort his thoughts alone. Peter sits for fifteen minutes, then returns to Kate and, as if nothing changed, asks,
Kate, fancy a film?
Sure! she replies, and he sighs in relief hes not angry. Hes already paid an advance for a restaurant reservation.
She adds, So, will you still register me, Pete? I didnt catch that.
He looks away, shuffles his feet, and leaves. She doesnt stop him; at least they didnt waste money on a wedding that never happened.
Is this how everyone ends up? Some do get married. Two of Kates three friends have tied the knot one for six months, another for a year. The third, like a joke, drifted into marriage slowly.
Kate herself also drifts into something akin to marriage: she lives over a month with several civil partners, and theres love involved. But love isnt just feelings; its actions and deeds. It turns out many of her boyfriends never truly loved her. As the saying goes in a less friendly country: There are no bad people.
Even though Kate never finds an Aries, the men she meets are all more or less the same. Its annoying, sure, but not fatal, dear Kate!
Now over thirty, Kate stops obsessing over marriage. How? She gets a promotion, swaps her grannys tiny flat for a cosy twobedroom house, buys a new car, and takes a short break abroad. She concludes that life has turned out well.
Moreover, the reproductive age has been extended to sixty, so she could still have a child for herself later on. And sausages? Theyre everywhere, in abundance.
