«LOVE FADED, PAIN PASSED…»
«Didnt they teach you as a child that you cant build happiness on someone elses misery?» Emily gave me a mild, reproachful glance.
«They did. I read about it in books. But back then, I didnt need the lesson. Honestly, when youre carefree as a child, do you even understand what they mean? Whats happiness? Whats misery? And how can you build this vague idea of happiness on someone elses suffering? Kids dream of other thingsmore sweets and ice cream, catching their favourite cartoons, or going to the cinema…
Truth be told, all my aunts and uncles were on their second or third marriages. Where was I supposed to learn morals from?
Emilymy friend, always proper and unshakablenever judged me. On the contrary, shed happily listen (over a glass of wine) to my tangled love stories.
She couldnt afford such liberties herself. After all, she was a lecturer at the university. Her position demanded she uphold every bit of decorum.
Emilys home life was stable, unshaken. In their younger days, her husband, David, was often in the clutches of Bacchusdrunk, rowdy, even trying to cheat on her.
She had him coded for good. At parties, David would sometimes grumblesaid a man needed to unwind. Emily would reply coolly:
«David, if you cant behave in company, best not bother.»
Hed sigh and eventually took pride in playing bartenderpouring drinks for guests, keeping count, offering snacks. Sometimes Emily took him to Spain or Italy. But even there, hed misbehave.
«Can you believe it?» she fumed after Barcelona. «While I was swimming, that mutt was at the bar, chatting up some sly minx. All smiles, sharing cocktails. And her eyespractically begging for him! Oh, I thought, just you wait, David. Youll get whats coming!»
«Bet he denied everything?» I asked, grinning.
«Of course! Said I was imagining things,» Emily scoffed.
«And you?»
«Oh, let him dream. Wheres he going? Whod take him with his pitiful salary? Even if some lonely widow scooped him up, shed toss him out in a month. Hes got nothing but lust in his eyes.» With that, she calmed herself.
When James came into my married life, I felt something twist insidesomething wrong. He was married, with two sons. I fought the feelings, but they crashed over me like an avalanche. This was love that tore at the seams.
My conscience whispered fiercely:
«Stop. Dont touch the fire. This wont end well. You have your own familywhy chase a married man? Youll drown in misery, crying tears of blood.»
But I charged ahead. I couldnt go a day without James. My world revolved around him. We drowned in each other. Love was a knife at my throatno escape.
Then, every barrier fell.
We were left alone with our ruinous passion. And the cycle began.
Six months in, we realised we had nothing in common. But we clung to love, insisting it still breathed. I revived it, salvaged it, again and again.
James drank without end, lied brazenly, even raised his hand to me. We were from different worlds. I kicked him out, took back my keys, cut off his phone, gave him the silent treatment. He vanishedfor a week, a month. Then returned with flowers and burning desire.
I took him back, aching with love, unable to cut him loose. But I should have. He drained me, hollowed my soul, turned me inside out, trampled me. So I plunged into new armsspiteful, wanting him to hurt like I did. Why suffer alone?
One day, after another «final» fight, James vanished. I called an old admirer. Every womans got a backup, right?
Victor was James oppositecalm, polite, teetotal. At first, I liked him. But within weeks, boredom set in. No fire, no thrilljust flatline. I craved chaos, rollercoasters. Soon, I regretted letting Victor close. Not my type. He called for months before finally taking the hint.
Alone at last. I breathed freely, tired of the carousel. A month passed in quiet solitude.
Then James asked to meet. I ran, stumbling. Still loving, still hoping.
«Claire, lets end this. Well destroy each other. This fires too much,» he muttered, avoiding my eyes.
«Fine. Youre right, James. We cant make it work. Were always on the edge.» My heart shattered, but I held steady.
We walked away. For three days Then a knock. James stood therechampagne, roses, fire in his eyes.
The night blazed. Our bodies tangled, breathless, falling through the sky.
I knew morning would bring nothing good. The night had been too perfect, too sweet, too much.
Turns out, all my past torment was just the beginning. James confessed he owed dangerous men a fortunegambling debts. Pay up, or face consequences.
Months later, we settled it. Sold his flat, his car And just like that, my passion for him faded. That debt was the last straw.
Now? Indifference. Were like old friends, distant relatives. We talk, laugh, sleep under separate blankets. Drifting through life. Nothing warms me. Ive drained the bitter cup. Happiness never came.
Love faded, pain passed.
