Diary 13October
The key clicked in the lock and, trying not to stir anything, I slipped into the flat. The hallway was pitchblack, save for a thin ribbon of light spilling from the kitchen. My parents were still awake, even though the clock had long passed midnight. Lately this has become a regular thing long nighttime talks behind a closed door. Usually theyre quiet, but sometimes they slip into lowkey arguments.
I slipped off my shoes, set my laptop bag on the nightstand and made my way down the corridor to my bedroom. I didnt want to explain why I was late, even though the excuse was legitimate a project at work kept slipping and the deadline was breathing down my neck.
Through the wall I could hear muffled voices.
No, Tom, I cant keep going like this, mum said, her voice low but edged with irritation. You promised last month.
Lucy, understand, now isnt the time, dad replied, sounding like he was trying to excuse himself again.
I let out a tired sigh. My parents have been arguing more often of late, but they pretend everythings fine when Im around. Theyre both in their fifties, Im an adult, yet it still feels uncomfortable to realise somethings amiss in their relationship.
I stripped down, washed my face and crawled under the duvet, but sleep wouldnt come. My thoughts kept looping. My brother Tom lives in Leeds and only visits occasionally. If Mum and Dad decide to separate who gets the flat? Who stays where? Why are they keeping their problems hidden?
The voices didnt die down. I reached for the nightstand and felt the headphones, hoping to drown the strangers secrets with music. My hand brushed the phone, which slipped onto the carpet. Picking it up, I unintentionally opened the voicerecorder. My finger hovered over the screen.
What if I recorded them? Just to find out whats really happening instead of guessing. If I asked outright, theyd probably brush it off and say everythings fine.
Conscience prickled with a cold sting. Eavesdropping felt wrong, let alone recording. Yet theyre my parents, my family. Dont I have a right to know if something serious is going on?
Resolute, I pressed record, placed the phone nearer the wall and pulled the duvet over my head.
In the morning, while getting ready for work, I noticed Mum and Dad looked sleepdeprived. Over breakfast they exchanged only the usual niceties.
You got home late last night, Mum said as she poured tea. Stuck at work again?
Yeah, the project ran over, I replied. Did you both manage any sleep?
Just a film, Mum brushed it off without looking at me.
Dad buried his face in the newspaper, pretending to be absorbed.
Dont expect me at dinner tonight, he said, not raising his eyes. Ive got client meetings, might be late.
Mum pursed her lips but said nothing.
All the way to the office I fought the urge to replay the nights recording. The tube was too crowded, and it felt too wrong. I decided to wait until evening.
The day dragged on. When I finally got home, Mum wasnt there a note said shed gone to a friends and would be back late. Dad was, as promised, still at the office. Perfect timing.
I flopped onto the sofa, wrapped myself in a blanket and hit play.
At first I heard fragmented words, then the audio cleared.
tell Emily? Dads voice sounded uneasy.
I dont know, Mum sighed. Im scared she wont understand. So many years have passed.
But she has a right to know.
Of course she does, but how do we explain why weve kept quiet all this time?
I froze. What were they hiding? What truth was being kept from me?
Remember how it all started? Dad asked, a hint of a smile in his tone.
Of course, Mum chuckled. I thought it would be temporary, turned out to be forever.
Well, what a life weve built, Dad muttered. Sometimes it was tough.
Especially when Emily arrived.
My heart tightened. Especially? Did they see me as an unwanted child? Or something else?
But we made it, Dad continued. And she grew into a wonderful person.
Mums voice brimmed with pride, and I felt a small relief. Now we need to decide what comes next. Im tired of this double life, Tom.
A double life? The thought that one of them might be having an affair made my stomach churn.
Lucy, lets wait for Tom to get back. Well sort it out as a family.
Alright, Mum agreed. No more delays. Either we change everything, or I dont know what then.
The recording cut off, probably because they left the kitchen or the phone stopped.
I sat there, stunned. What was happening to my family? Why wait for Tom to explain? A thousand questions, no answers. Should I record another conversation? That felt too invasive. Maybe I should just call Tom hes older, might know more. Or Aunt Claire, my mothers sister, whos always been honest with me.
I decided: tomorrow Id ring Tom, and this weekend Id visit Aunt Claire.
Tom didnt answer all day; he finally called just before dusk.
Hey, Em, sorry, I was on site, left my phone in the van, he said, his voice as upbeat as ever.
When are you coming back? I asked straight away.
Planning to be home this weekend, whats up?
Mum and Dad have been odd lately.
Odd how?
Theyre whispering at night, pretending everythings fine. Talking about a double life.
Silence hung between us.
Tom?
Yeah, Im here, he cleared his throat. Listen, dont read too much into it. Everyone has secrets, even parents.
So you know whats going on?
I I think I have a guess, but if they dont bring it up themselves, theyre not ready. Wait for me, okay? Ill be there Saturday and we can talk then.
Fine, I replied reluctantly. What about Aunt Claire?
Dont. Keep her out of this, alright? Lets keep it between us.
His refusal to involve Aunt Claire only tightened the knot in my chest. Could it be an affair? A family scandal?
That evening Mum returned from her friends, cheeks flushed, eyes bright.
Guess what, dear? Tom is selling the flat! She wants to move to the countryside, she announced as she stepped in.
I nodded, not knowing how to react.
Would you like to live in the country? I asked, surprised at myself.
Mum paused, then answered cautiously:
I dont know sometimes it sounds nice. Fresh air, a garden
And Dad?
Ask him yourself, Mum said, suddenly serious. Hell be home late tonight, dont expect him for dinner.
Fortunately Dad came back earlier than expected. I was brewing tea when the front door slammed.
Dad, want a cuppa? I called.
Sure, he replied, slipping off his tie as he entered. Wheres Mum?
Shes at home, watching a film, I said, handing him a mug. Hows work?
All right. The client accepted our terms, so were launching the project, he said, sinking into a chair.
I set the tea down in front of him. Is it true you and Mum have something important to tell me?
He stiffened, eyes narrowing.
Where did you get that idea?
Tom mentioned hed be back this weekend and youd explain everything, I admitted, not meeting his gaze.
Dad pressed his thumb against his nostril.
Yes, there is a conversation, but lets wait for Tom, okay? Itll be clearer then.
Is it something bad? Are you getting a divorce? I blurted.
What? No, of course not! Why would you think that? he looked genuinely shocked.
Youre always whispering, arguing. Mum talked about a double life.
His expression shifted from confusion to realization, then to relief?
Em, youve got it all wrong, he sighed. Nobodys divorcing. In fact He stopped, then continued. Well talk after the weekend, I promise. Nothing dangerous.
Really?
Absolutely. Now have some tea before it gets cold.
That night sleep eluded me. I lay awake trying to piece together snippets of conversation, tone, what was left unsaid. If not a divorce, then what? Illness? Money trouble? A move? The thought of a move made my stomach turn I was just getting my footing in my new job, making friends, loving this city.
Why had Dad said instead? Was it a second wedding? A renewal of vows? I was lost in speculation when a soft knock sounded at my door.
Cant sleep? Mum peeked in.
No, I sat up on my elbows. What kept you up?
Just thinking about what you and Dad were discussing, she said, sitting on the edge of the bed. Anything serious?
Not really, just work and Toms weekend plans, I shrugged. Hes coming over.
I know, she nodded. He called.
We fell silent.
Mum, are you and Dad really okay? I asked, the words spilling out.
Ellen Helen Sergeyevna gave a strange smile.
Completely. Life just throws surprises at us, even when youre fiftysomething. You just have to decide how to deal with them.
Good surprises or bad?
Both, she ruffled my hair like she used to when I was a child. Dont worry too early, love. Youll find out soon enough.
She kissed my forehead and left, leaving me with even more questions.
The weekend arrived, as abruptly as always. Tom pulled into the driveway on Saturday around noon, suntanned and noisy, with a few presents and a nervous gleam in his eye.
Shall we call this a family council? he joked as we all gathered in the sitting room after lunch.
Dad and Mum exchanged a glance.
Yes, I think its time, Dad said. We have news for you lot.
I held my breath.
Were moving, Mum announced.
Where to? I asked.
To the countryside, Dad replied. Specifically, a village called Oakford, about a hundred miles from here.
Why? I pressed, looking between them.
Because thats where our real home is, Mum said simply. Our true home.
It turned out they had bought a farm fifteen years ago. At first it was just a weekend cottage, but over the years they turned it into a fullblown homestead orchards, vegetable patches, even a beekeeping operation.
Bees? I gasped. You keep hives?
Fifteen hives already, Dad beamed. Were proud of the honey.
And chickens, goats? Mum added. Were even thinking of getting a cow this year.
I stared, mouth open.
So youre farmers now? I asked.
Looks that way, Mum laughed. Do you know how many apple trees we have? Pears, plums, raspberries, blackberries
I raised a hand, halting the flood of details. If youre growing all this, when do you actually come to the city? I always thought you were buried at work.
Work is both the office and the farm, Dad said. Now Im retiring next month, Mum is moving to remote work, and Ill be coming into town once a week for meetings.
I turned to Tom.
Did you know?
Of course, he shrugged. I helped with the extensions. The house is twostorey now.
And you never told me? my frustration boiled over. Why?
Mum and Dad looked at each other.
Because you always said you hated the countryside, Mum said quietly. Remember when we took you to Grandmas? Youd cry and beg to go back. Even when we suggested weekend trips, you found excuses.
That was childhood! I protested. Im an adult now.
True, but you never asked where we went, Dad replied. It became awkward to admit we had this other life.
You kept it hidden! I snapped.
Not at first, Mum countered. We said cottage but didnt explain it was a full farm. Over time it turned into our secret.
Double life, I murmured, recalling the nights recording.
Exactly, Dad nodded. In the city were office folk, out there were farmers. And were genuinely happy there.
So you want to move permanently? What about work?
Im cashing in my pension next month, Mum said. Dad has arranged to work remotely. Hell be in the city only for weekly briefings.
The flat?
We can leave it to you if you want, or sell it and split the proceeds. Your call.
I sank back on the sofa, trying to absorb everything.
So youve been running a whole farm all this time and I never knew, I said, bitterness tinging my voice. Brilliant.
Em, we didnt mean to hurt you, Mum moved closer and hugged my shoulders. It just happened. We didnt know how to tell you, then we got deeper into it. Forgive us.
I stayed silent, the words settling. Finally I asked:
Can I come and see? The house, the farm?
Of course! Dad exclaimed. Even tomorrow!
Tomorrow then, I agreed. Ill go with you.
That night sleep still refused me. A mix of resentment, curiosity, excitement churned inside. How many years had I missed while chasing my career, friends, city life?
Morning found us all packed into the car, heading out. The further we drove from London, the livelier Mum and Dad became, swapping stories about neighbours, soil experiments, the sauna Dad built himself, and Mums jammaking adventures.
When the car turned onto a narrow lane, Mum looked at me.
Weve wanted to tell you this for ages, especially now were moving for good. We were scared youd laugh at us, city retirees playing at farming.
I wouldnt laugh, I replied quietly.
We understand now, Mum smiled. Youre grown, we should have trusted you more.
The vehicle stopped at the gate of a sprawling estate, dominated by a handsome timber house.
Welcome to our real home, Dad said, turning off the engine and facing me. Ready to meet our secret life?
I nodded, stepping out. The fresh scent of cut grass and blooming roses hit me. Somewhere a cow lowed, chickens clucked, bees buzzed. Tom was already unloading bags.
I still cant believe youve hidden this whole existence from me, I said, shaking my head. But you know what? I like it.
Mum hugged me again.
We do too. We even have an extra room for you, just in case you want to spend weekends here.
Or even summer? Dad added, hopeful.
I smiled.
Lets discuss that later. First, show me the bees. I need to understand why you swapped city life for a farm.
We walked down the garden path toward the hives, and for the first time I felt I might have gained more than a family secret a whole new world, perhaps even a place for me within it.
