Hey love, you wont believe the drama that went down at my flat today. So, I was just pulling off my apron, wiping my hands, and heading to the door because the buzzer rang. On the doorstep was my daughter, Lily, with her new boyfriend, Vince. I let them in, and Lily planted a quick kiss on my cheek.
Hey Mum, she said, this is Vince. Hes moving in with us.
Nice to meet you, Vince replied, a bit stiff. Lily then introduced his mother, Auntie Lucy, and I tried to keep things friendly.
Whats for dinner? I asked Lily.
Pea purée and sausages, I said.
Vince made a face. I dont eat pea purée, he muttered, slipping off his shoes and heading to the hallway.
Lily gave me those wide eyes, Mum, Vince wont eat peas!
He flopped onto the sofa, tossed his backpack on the floor, and I told him, Thats actually my room, as Lilys eyes rolled. Come on, Vince, Ill show you where youll be staying, she shouted, pulling me after him.
He grumbled, Im fine here, as he got up.
Alright, what should I cook for Vince? Lily asked.
I dont even know. Weve only got half a packet of sausages left, I shrugged.
Just a bit of mustard, ketchup, and some bread, he said.
Sounds decent, I muttered, heading to the kitchen. Id spent ages rescuing stray kittens and puppies, and now it was just this bloke I had to feed.
I scooped up some pea mash, threw two fried sausages on a plate, nudged a bowl of salad over, and sat down to eat. Lily popped into the kitchen.
Why are you eating alone? she asked.
Just got home from work and Im starving, I replied, chomping on a sausage. If anyone wants food, they can help themselves or make something. Oh, and one more thing whys Vince living with us?
Lily blinked. Hes my husband.
I almost choked on my sausage.
My husband? Seriously?
Yeah, Im 19 now, and Im deciding who I marry, Lily said, deadpan. We didnt have a wedding; we just signed the papers. So were husband and wife and were moving in.
Congrats, then, I said, trying to stay warm. Why no wedding?
If youve got money for a wedding, feel free to hand it over. Well find somewhere to spend it, she replied.
Got it, I said, still chewing. Why our flat?
Because its a onebedroom flat and were a fourperson household. Renting wasnt even an option.
Right, I said, halflistening. So, any food for us?
Lily, the pots on the stove, sausages in the pan. If thats not enough, theres another halfpacket in the fridge. Help yourselves.
Lily stared at me and said, Mum, youve got a new soninlaw now, emphasizing the last word.
What? Do I need to break into a silly dance for that? Im tired after work, can we skip the ceremony? I snapped. Hands and feet, youll manage on your own.
Thats why youre still single! Lily shot back, slamming the bedroom door.
I finished my dinner, washed up, cleared the table, and headed to my bedroom. I changed, grabbed my gym bag, and off I went to the local fitness centre. Im a freespirited woman, so I hit the gym and the pool a few evenings a week.
By ten oclock, I got back, craving a cuppa, only to find the kitchen a mess looks like someone tried to cook and gave up. The lid from the pea pot was missing, the mash was dried and cracked, sausage packets were scattered, stale bread lay on the counter, the nonstick pan was scorched and someone had poked it with a fork. The sink was full of dishes, and there was a sticky sweet puddle on the floor. The flat smelled faintly of cigarettes.
Wow, thats a new level of chaos, I said, opening Lilys door. The young couple were sipping wine and puffing away.
Lily, clean this up, will you? Well get a new pan tomorrow, I told her, heading back to my room, leaving the door ajar.
Lily jumped up, flinging herself after me. Why do we have to clean? I dont have a job, Im a student. You think Im scared of doing the dishes?
Listen, Lily, the house rules are simple: eat clean up, make a mess clean up, break something replace it. Everyone looks after their own mess. And yeah, that pan costs more than a few bucks, but its ruined now.
You dont want us to stay here, she snapped.
Nope, I said calmly. Im not keen on arguing with you, and youve never caused any trouble before.
But I have a stake in this, she protested.
The whole flat is mine. I paid for it, I own it. Youre just on the tenancy register. Dont expect me to solve your problems. If you want to live here, follow the rules, I said, keeping my voice even.
Ive lived my whole life by your rules. Im married now, so you cant tell me what to do, Lily shrieked. Besides, youre old enough to give us the flat.
Ill give you the hallway in the block and a bench outside if you like, I replied dryly. Did you get married? No one asked me. Youre staying here alone or with him elsewhere. He wont be moving in.
Fine, youre a selfish old bat. Vince, were leaving, Lily shouted, packing her stuff.
A few minutes later, the brandnew soninlaw barreled into my room.
Okay mum, dont stress, everythingll be fine, he slurred, wobbling from the wine. Lily and I arent going anywhere tonight. Behave and well even have a quiet lovemaking session later.
What do you think I am, your mum? I snapped. Your mum and dad are still here, so mind your own business and dont forget to bring your new wife along.
He raised his fist, slapped me in the nose, and I grabbed his hand with my manicured fingers, squeezing hard.
Let go, you lunatic, he snarled.
Mom, what are you doing? Lily screamed, trying to pull me away.
I shoved Lily aside, kicked Vince in the groin, and then elbowed his throat.
Ill file a complaint, he growled, Ill sue you.
Hold on, Ill call the police so they can document this properly, I said.
The pair fled the tidy twobedroom flat.
Youre not my mum any more, Lily shouted as she left, and youll never see my kids again.
Quite the tragedy, I mused, a hint of sarcasm. At least Ill have some peace.
I looked at my hands a couple of nails were broken. All your losses, I muttered.
After they were gone, I cleaned the kitchen, tossed the ruined mash and that cursed pan, and changed the locks. Three months later, Lily, looking gaunt and unhappy, came by after work.
Mum, whats for dinner? she asked.
Dont know yet, I shrugged. What do you want?
Chicken and rice, she whispered, and a bit of olive salad.
Alright, lets get the chicken, I said. Youll have to sort the salad yourself.
She didnt ask me for anything else, and Vince never turned up again.
