**Diary Entry**
Marina, you cant leave me! What will I do without you?
The same thing you always dodrink from morning till night!
I slammed the front door and slumped into the drivers seat, tears streaming down my face. How had our life come to this? A year ago, we were the picture of happinessthe kind people envied. But envy is inevitable when others see what they lack. Thats just how the world works.
****
Marina, hurry, get Vlad readyIve got a surprise for you both! And dont forget warm clothes.
My husband, Nicholasor Nick, as I teasingly called himloved surprises. This time, he took us out of London to ride snowmobiles near a colleagues countryside estate. Calling it an estate was an understatement. It was more like a medieval castle, complete with turrets and stone walls.
Well? What do you think? Nick asked, watching my stunned expression.
Theres something about this place it gives me chills.
Youre just cold. Come insideyou havent seen the fireplace yet.
The interior was even more unsettling than the outside. But the men loved it, and who was I to argue taste? The walls were lined with fake taxidermygrotesque enough to make my stomach turn, though Nick insisted they were replicas. Meanwhile, Vlad, ever the little adventurer, ran around with a toy sword, battling imaginary monsters. I kept my eyes fixed on the fire, trying to ignore the eerie atmosphere.
Maybe that day stands out so darkly because it was the last of our old life. Later, the estate owner would bring out two snowmobilesone of which would take our sons life. Nick, whod been driving, would drown in guilt, losing himself to the bottle.
I dont know why I survived the grief better than he did. The pain was unbearable, yet I refused to let it consume me. People around us carried on, oblivious. Sometimes, I was tempted to join Nick in numbing the agony with drink, but I knew it would only make things worse. Alcohol amplifies emotion, and right now, feeling anything was our worst enemy. Anger, resentment, bitternessthat was all Nick had left. He hid behind them like a tortoise in its shell, refusing to come out.
I hadnt planned to leave him. I just needed space. So I got in the car and drove. Snowflakes drifted onto the windshield, perfect as if designed by some celestial artist. I stopped at service stations, drank coffee in roadside cafés, even checked into a hotel just to sleep.
I didnt know where I was going. I was just running. At some point, I turned off the motorway and found myself in a sleepy little town. I parked near a square and sat there, motionless.
Youll freeze, a voice tapped at my window.
An elderly woman stood there, walking a small white poodle. On impulse, I got out.
Youve been sitting here so long with the engine offI was worried, she said.
Something did happen, I whispered.
Why is it easier to confess to a stranger? Maybe because they dont dig through your past, searching for reasons to blame you. Before I knew it, I was sitting at her kitchen table, cradling a steaming cup of chamomile tea, tears soaking a crumpled tissue.
I thought Id cried myself dry months ago. Turns out, Id just buried it all to avoid empty condolences.
Marina, Ive made up the sofa for you. Rest, then carry on to wherever nowhere is.
I nodded, too exhausted to argue.
The next morning, I woke to sunlight filtering through lace curtains and a rough tongue licking my nose.
Charlie, I rememberedthe poodles name. His face seemed to grin at me.
I laughed despite myself.
Charlie, leave the poor girl aloneespecially before breakfast.
Aunt Rosethat was her namebustled in with a tray of cinnamon rolls and coffee.
Dont compliment them out loud, she warned. Good baking prefers silent praise.
I took a bite and nearly groaned. Nick used to bring me breakfast in bed too, though his offerings were less refinedsandwiches, cottage cheese, even pickled herring once.
Oddly, the memory made me smile instead of ache.
****
We stayed with Aunt Rose for days. Nick eventually found me, storming in convinced Id run off with a lover. Instead, he found me in a strangers home, healing.
Over time, we sorted through Vlads thingsdonating toys, keeping keepsakes. We even laughed, remembering the time Nick let Vlad wear a gorilla mask to the zoo.
That night, for the first time in forever, I fell asleep in Nicks arms.
Nine months later, Vlad got a little sister. I like to think she was conceived that night. When I told Nick, he kissed me wordlessly, his hands warm against my belly.
Life didnt magically fix itself. But somehow, in that quiet town, with Aunt Roses kindness and Charlies ridiculous grin, we found our way back.
Not to the life wed lostbut to a new one, stitched together with hope.
