Get the Harpers together today, and make something special for dinneror order in. No boring stuff, please, Nicole said, knotting a silk scarf around her neck while putting the final touches on her powerladylike outfit. She turned to her husband, Andrew, and barked the usual house orders. Theres a layer of dust on the balcony; if we dont clean it, the laptop will be invisible. Wipe it down.
Since you stopped working from home, the dust has had a field day, Andrew replied calmly, emerging from the kitchen with a kitchen towel draped over his broad shoulder, a childs mug fresh from the dishwasher in one hand, and a cotton apron over his tshirt. He moved to plant a kiss on Nicoles cheekher lips already tintedbut she brushed him away, irritated.
Must I grind at home too? Isnt the office enough? she snapped.
When you were homebased we at least saw you, he said.
Thank heavens thats over! Nicole tossed her handbag strap over her shoulder, puffing up with selfsatisfaction. Clean, wash, vacuum, pick up the toys, cookcater to everyones whims! A thankyou, perhaps?
Oh, come off it! No need to lug the laundry to the river; the dishwasher does its job, the robot vacuum does the rest, and the girls Andrew inhaled dramatically, theyre just children, after all.
Fine then, if thats how you see it. Im more useful at the office than at home. Someone has to bring in the money, Nicole retorted, slamming the front door behind her.
Nicoles mornings were scheduled down to the minute: up at six, a quick run (shed taken up jogging), a contrast shower, breakfast, makeup and hair on the go. Even the London traffic jam couldnt slow her; she left early, assuming nothing at home would hold her up.
A year earlier, Andrews mornings were much the same, except he skipped the workout, preferring to linger a few extra minutes in the warm bed with his beloved wife. His job was a short commute, so traffic was a nonissue. By six or, at the latest, seven hed be home, helping Nicole with dinner or tidying up, and playing with the girls. He often tucked the children in, then helped Nicole clear the living room.
Everything changed two years ago. The younger daughter, Lily, had been in nursery for two years; the endless runnynose phase of the adjustment period was finally behind them. The older girl, Katie, was in Year4, walking to and from the nearby school on her own, even catching the tram to her ballet lessonstwo stops, which Andrew taught her to navigate. Nicole was offered a chance to return to her old office job. She mulled it over: home life was decent, but she craved the buzz of the workplace. A swift promotion was promised, and she accepted.
Three months later Nicole got her first raise, then another, plus a slew of perks and a flexible, nonstandard schedule she adored. The girls barely saw her at home, but everyone understood; Andrew explained the situation. Nicole struggled to be a perfect housewife, mother, and doting wife all at once. She arrived home late, utterly exhausted.
The couple finally sat down and discussed the mess. Andrew didnt want to nag; he knew there was no talk of Nicole quitting. They agreed to swap roles: Nicole would work without worrying about the domestic front, and Andrew would quit his job and take over the thankless household duties.
Eventually youll find something remote, Nicole coaxed at first, almost embarrassed that hed have to start making porridge, hanging and ironing laundry, ferrying the girls to nursery, dentist, and speech therapist. Youll manage, I know you will.
Youre brilliant, Andrew whispered, kissing Nicoles crown. Those were their last cozy evenings together. Everythings fine at work and at home, love, he praised her.
Andrew dove into the new routine. The constant messages from Nicolewhats dirty, what to wash, who to pick up whenceased. He handled the chores with surprising ease; the kids didnt irk him as they sometimes did when she came back from a long day. Meanwhile, Nicole thrived at her firm, respected by colleagues and supervisors, trusted with any assignment. The household compromise let her soar both as a woman and a professional, and she beamed with pride.
Running late again, dinners getting cold, the girls greeted her at the hallway as she walked in from work. She untied the same silk scarf, sighing that the days tasks had piled up like a stack of plates. Wheres the Harpers tonight?
What? Nicole huffed, annoyed. Youre impossible.
You said
She stared at Andrew as if he were a subordinate whod overstepped his bounds.
I said Id be home this weekend!
You mentioned today, didnt you?
Andrew, have you forgotten how to listen to me? she snapped, storming into the living room. Whats with this mess? Why didnt you change Lilys outfit? Who hung the curtain? Did you two play football inside again? Cant you do that outside?
Andrew, Katie and Lily stood frozen, unsure how to defend themselves. They hadnt done anything wrong, but they knew theyd be blamed anyway.
This is what you expect from guests? Nicole gestured at the chaos.
They have kids too, we were just playing, Andrew tried to explain.
Honestly, Andrew! Look at yourselfshaven? Tshirt hanging off you, eyes glazed. He tried to keep his tone light, winking at the girls, but Nicole was relentless.
Come to the kitchen, well feed you. Exhausted? Andrew asked gently.
Yes! Im fed up with this attitude! Cant you do what I ask? Even a simple fool could manage this. You cant earn a living and also wrestle with a mop and dirty dishes.
A flash of fury crossed Andrews face, but he swallowed it; he didnt want a scene with the children watching. Nicole marched to the kitchen and found yet another complaint waiting.
You ordered dinner and didnt think of me? I dont like spicy or greasy food. Make me tea; Im starving.
Make it yourself! Andrew retorted, plopping Lily on his back and hoisting Katie like a feather. Were off to brush teeth, its late, bed time. Tomorrow the girls have nursery and school. By the way, Lily had a photo shoot last week; the pictures have been on the mantel for two days. You never noticed.
They left, giggling, while the bathroom echoed with childrens chatter and the splash of water. After a few minutes of silence, Andrew returned to the kitchen. Nicole was still seated, nursing a grudge instead of the promised hot tea.
Calmed down? he asked. Whats up? Work trouble?
No! Works fine, its just at home
Nicole, youre losing it! Andrew leaned in, eyes hard. Im not your assistant, not your secretary, not your subordinate. I never nitpicked when you were at home, even when I could. Youre not a robot; you can slip up. Lets sort this together.
Its easy for you to say! I used to juggle the girls and work from home. Now theyre older, they understand. You keep telling me the dishwasher, washing machine, food deliverywhy cant you handle the basics? Why?
Andrews lips trembled with anger, but he kept his composure.
What have you become? A doormat, a nobody, a househusband. Youll soon grow a belly from all that whining.
Nicole!
Dont shout, I see what youre doing.
Andrew stormed off to the bedroom. When Nicole followed, he grabbed a pillow and headed for the living room, announcing, Tomorrow Im going back to work! Find yourself another househelp.
You wimp! You gave up over a few dirty plates?
Andrew, pillow tucked under his arm, shuffled away. Nicole fumed, then realised Andrew couldnt start work tomorrowonly later. She didnt chase him that night, apologised in the morning, and agreed he should return to work, but not immediately; they needed a proper replacement to pick up Lily, drive the girls around, etc. Her wait a bit stretched into three months; the bosslike tone at home became the new normal. She left Andrew a daily chore list, checking it each evening. Any missed item earned a reprimand for both husband and girls.
Tomorrow youll pick up Lily yourself, Andrew declared one evening.
And you? Nicole shot back.
I cant. Were meeting friends.
Are you serious? Im working until nine or ten, and youre off with the lads for a pint! I wont let you off! I have a planning meeting at seven tonight.
Im not asking permission, Im giving notice. Your days are all meetings or emergencies.
I said no!
Andrew slipped on his coat in the hallway. Where are you off to? Nicole shouted.
Im not your employee or housekeeper. Goodbye.
He slammed the door; Nicole flung a string of barbs his way.
That night he didnt return. In the morning she sent him a long message of instructionswho to pick up, where to drop off. He didnt answer. Later that day, an unexpected call from Lilys nursery asked her to collect the little one; she bolted across town, firing off furious texts to Andrew, which were met with silence. He didnt come home that night.
Nicole was livid. She wasnt jealous; she just wondered why anyone would need someone like Andrew. Yet he kept the radio silence, and she only spewed negativity in texts. She had to fend for herself. Two weeks later she was burnt out, nerves frayed, sleepless, with a disgruntled boss and nannies backing out one after another.
She called Andrew, demanding he come back.
Ill collect the girls on the weekend, but Im not coming back, he said before hanging up, aware shed have nothing sensible to say.
She was speechless, unable to believe hed actually threatened divorce. The children overheard her shouting into the phone, calling him a nothingworth.
Later, their friend Kate asked, holding up Katies white school blouse. How do you get those stubborn stains out? Ive tried everything.
Just a bit of oxygen bleach, Kate replied, holding up a blue packet. Soak in hot water, then wash at forty degrees. It works like a charm on my shirts and Lilys shoes.
Its like magic, Katie said, shrugging. Their mother remembered the endless little chores that used to eat up her time, and how Andrew had taken them off her plate so she could focus on her career.
Eventually Nicole and Andrew divorced. She set a strict schedule for the girls with both parents. Andrew still had to pick up Lily from nursery and drive Katie where needed, doing it calmly, never hearing the bosss yelling from behind his back.
Mom, is dad ever coming back? Katie asked one day.
Where would he go? Hell stay with Mum. Who else needs him? Nicole answered confidently.
Katie walked away, knowing her father wasnt returning under those terms and that Mother wouldnt change.
Andrew went back to his old job, remarried a year after the split, and now occasionally hosts the girls for a week or two. Nicole was fine with that.
The only irritating thing was that her exhusbandnow a content, ambitionfree manseemed to have landed on his feet. She, successful, smart, and stylish, never found a man who stayed beyond a few dates; they always vanished after the first meeting, leaving no hope or phone number. She began to wonder what was wrong with her.
And that, dear reader, is the end of the Harpers talefull of irony, a pinch of British stubbornness, and a whole lot of realism.
