Loneliness
They said that a lady should have a husband, and the man should propose, yet she turned him down. Better a single life than a freeofcharge service that lasts for years.
Whats the use of being one and the same, Katie? A man ought not to be alone, and a woman should always have a man by her side. Otherwise its all out of order and then nobody will ever look at you. You know what loneliness feels like?
Feels like what? Katie asked, a hint of sarcasm in her voice, weary of the endless chatter.
Loneliness is a bitter pill, laughed Martha, the sister, pulling a face at the same time she brushed away the dust from a wornout dress.
The pill is a nuisance, indeed! Martha declared, her eyes glittering with mischief, as if she were about to launch a joke. Its like wanting to give water to someone who never drinks. Those children are your own, where are they?
Where? Katie blurted, unable to keep up.
Where where in York! Martha finally understood that the sister was not laughing at her, but at the fact that the whole thing was absurd, and she tossed a sigh. Youll have to endure it all, and Ill keep you company. Its heavy to bear alone. Yet the soul is light as a feather. Lets meet, shall we? Katie, the man is decent. And the one who doesnt run away will soon appear.
Katie had known disappointment for about ten years. Charlie, the gentle soul she once called my dear, had vanished a decade earlier, slipping away in the night. He had come once, briefly, and then was gone for good. When Katie learned of this, she sent a suitor to two rooms, then two more to their quarters. Though the suitor tried to convince her that once is enough and that nothing strange happens without a companion, he pounded his fist on the table and shed scant male tears; Katie remained unmoved. The divorce went ahead.
The husband, when he finally returned, behaved politely, leaving the old house to his former wife and the two children with modest allowances. But the children grew up and scattered in every direction. The eldest son settled and worked in Liverpool. The daughter soon married and moved abroad with her husband. Katie was left to live alone in a cramped tworoom flat in the heart of London.
A solitary life did not bother her. She took up a modest job as a seamstress; the modest earnings allowed her a comfortable existence, and she welcomed occasional visits from the children and Martha. Though she was not exceptionally bright, Katie always found something to occupy her mind and lived without boredom. She read a great deal, swam when she could, practiced yoga, loved traveling, and even dabbled in a bit of gardening with seedlings. In short, she made a life of her own.
Until the day Martha finally decided to settle her sisters fate.
Listen to me, Katie. A good man, not yet a reckless one, about sixtyone. Youve been apart for seven years. A spacious house, a decent estate, livestock cows, goats, pigs, and chickens, all there! Its wholesome food, fresh milk, eggs, meat. Youll live to a hundred, I promise! And the man is charming, welleducated, and talks like a bookworm Katie, give it a try. Lets meet, shall we? Martha urged, as if she were pleading.
Very well, Martha, Ill meet this gentleman. But I havent promised anything, Katie replied.
They say you cant change fate, and Martha was no exception. She did not postpone the matter, but quickly arranged a meeting between the sister and the cavalier.
The cavalier turned out to be nothing more than a respectable fellow. Sturdy, muscular, dressed neatly and with good manners. His hands were rough from work, but his nails were trimmed. He spoke softly, though his voice carried weight. He was a joker, a bit of a dandy, and his name was decidedly English William.
At their second meeting, the conversation flowed, and Katie began to look at William with interest. She thought perhaps a sisters counsel was right: a warm heart was needed beside her. William was eager to discuss a future together, to build a life.
Katie visited his countryside estate, where the fields stretched far, the barns were full of livestock, and the air smelled of fresh hay. Cows mooed, goats bleated, pigs rooted, and chickens clucked. Two farmhands, both of Slavic descent, helped out. Williams business involved selling meat and dairy, and he spoke of plans to expand. He even said, You see, Katie, I have enough work. A farm needs a lady to manage things milking cows, caring for goats, gathering eggs. The house is empty without a lady. Ill take care of the menial work, but the ladys work is just as vital.
Katie returned home, deep in thought. She owned a small garden in the city, a modest cottage on the outskirts where she grew vegetables each summer, and a little plot where she kept a few chickens. She had bought a tiny, eightyearold carriage for herself. What was the point of all this? To clean a pigsty, to tend a coop, to keep a farm without any help?
She still had to prepare a dinner for her husband, stock the pantry, buy groceries, and keep the house tidy. The income from her sewing was modest but decent, and she could see a future in it. She realized she could live comfortably without a husband, but the prospect of a shared life still tugged at her.
One evening, Martha called, Martha, Im sorry, but Ill refuse Williams proposal. Id rather stay in my loneliness than be with a man who works only for profit. Hes not looking for a wife, just labor. Marthas voice trembled with resolve.
Katie wept silently, her heart heavy with the thought of losing a chance at companionship. Yet she understood Marthas fear of becoming merely a hand on the farm.
Later, Katie wrote to William, explaining that she would no longer pursue the meetings. She said she had no desire to change her current path, and that the arrangements he suggested no longer suited her. William called a few times, then gave up.
On the next morning, at eight oclock, Katie made herself a simple breakfast, washed her face, and sat down to a cup of tea, looking out of the window. She thought of her children, wishing she could visit her son, and her daughter on her wedding anniversary. She also remembered to buy a new purse for the winter and to arrange a visit with little Lenora, the familys friend.
She realized that life could be good without ever becoming an object of someone elses ambition. A healthy dose of selfinterest, she mused, was not a sin but a blessing. And so, the memory of those days lingered, a quiet testament to a woman who chose her own way, even when surrounded by the whispers of others.
