Ive been turning the same thought over in my head all afternoon Youre nobody to me.
Ian, did you ever think about me when youre busy with Lucy? I know you love your daughter, and Im not trying to keep you from seeing her but isnt it odd that your ex keeps pulling money out of you through the kid? Because of your former wifes whims were forced to tighten our belts on everything. When will this end?
I got home a little early from work and set the table. Its Friday, which means Lucy my stepdaughter, eleven, from Ians first marriage will be joining us for dinner. The doorbell rang and I hurried down the hallway. At the threshold stood my husband and his daughter. Lucy slipped past me without looking, tossed a quick Hi and disappeared into the flat. Ian gave me a guilty glance and muttered, Hi, love. How was your day?
Fine, I replied, trying to mask the irritation. Come and sit down.
A heavy silence settled over the table. Ian tried to lighten the mood by describing his day to Lucy, but she answered in oneword fragments or stayed silent, deliberately ignoring me. I ate in mute, feeling a lump tighten in my throat.
Dad, Mum said she urgently needs money for a new winter coat, Lucy blurted out suddenly. Shes got an old one and feels embarrassed walking to school with it.
Alright, Loo, Ian said calmly, well talk after dinner.
Inside, my anger boiled over. Again with the money, again the endless requests, I thought. How many more times can this go on?
After we cleared the plates, Ian and Lucy retreated to her bedroom for homework. I stayed in the kitchen, washing up, catching fragments of their conversation.
Dad, you know Mum really needs it. Shes the one holding us together, and her, Lucys voice dropped.
Cant your husband buy her a new coat? Ian asked tentatively.
Its not about the husband! He has no money! I wouldnt ask if things werent terrible. Youre a man, you should support her! And youre my father!
I could no longer hold back. I flung the sponge into the sink and marched into the bedroom.
Ian, we need to talk, I said firmly.
Not now, Em, he tried to dodge, were doing homework.
No, now, I insisted. Lucy, could you give us a minute?
She scowled, but obliged and left the room. I shut the door and turned to Ian.
How long is this going to continue? I asked.
What do you mean? he pretended not to understand.
The money, Ian! Your exwife, Lucy, everything! Were barely covering the mortgage, I cut myself off everywhere, and you keep feeding her cash! Its outrageous!
Its my child. I cant just turn my back on her, he began, trying to justify himself.
And what about me? About us? We have needs too! I cant even afford a dental filling because theres no money!
I get it, he said, guilt edging his voice. Illtalk to Olivia.
Shell never listen! She always gets what she wants! Maybe you should remind her that she has a husband who also has to look after his own family, I snapped, my temper flaring.
Dont bring Olivia into this, Em, Ian frowned. Shes a good mother.
A good mother? If she were, she wouldnt dump all her problems on me! She loves it that you foot the bill, I shot back.
Enough! Ian exploded. Dont speak like that about my childs mother!
And dont forget you have a real wife too a wife who loves and supports you! I raised my voice.
I love you, Ian whispered, but I cant abandon my child.
So, which one do you love more? I challenged.
He lowered his head, silent.
Whats all this shouting about? I asked, looking at the tears Id managed to hold back. Are you fighting?
No, Lucy, Ian tried to calm his daughter, everythings fine.
No, its not fine! I shouted, Were arguing because of you and your mother!
Because of me? Lucy arched an eyebrow, surprised.
Yes, because you keep demanding money, because you treat me like Im invisible! I spat.
Am I supposed to love you? Youre nobody to me! Lucy snapped. I have a mum!
It felt like a slap across the face. I stared at Ian, waiting for anything, but he just hung his head.
You know what, Lucy, I said slowly, you can stay here as long as you like, but I wont put up with this any longer. My patience is finished.
I left the room, leaving Ian and Lucy alone. Retreating to the bedroom, I grabbed my phone and dialed my best friend.
Hey, I choked out, tears spilling, I need to talk.
***
The next day I met my friend at a café. I looked pale, barely touching my scone. After Id poured out everything, she asked, Em, are you seriously thinking about divorce?
I dont know, I admitted. I love Ian, but I cant keep living like this. Hes torn between me and his former family, and I feel like an afterthought. Im exhausted.
I get that. But maybe try one more conversation with him? she suggested. Explain how you feel, what you need.
Ive told him a thousand times! I waved my hand. He seems to understand, but nothing changes. He doesnt want to hurt his daughter, yet he hurts me.
What about Lucy? Have you tried talking to her? my friend pressed.
Its pointless! She only listens to her mother and does everything to push me away. She doesnt even see me as a person.
Kids often mirror their parents behaviour, my friend noted. Maybe its worth trying to find common ground with her?
She cant stand me! She ignores me on purpose! Its impossible, I snapped.
But perhaps its worth a try? If you show her you want a relationship, she might soften.
I thought about it. My friend was right if I wanted to save the marriage Id have to swallow my pride and try to reach the stubborn teenager.
Fine, I finally said. Ill give it a shot, though I dont expect miracles.
***
That same evening, when Ian brought Lucy home, I decided to act. I emerged from the kitchen with a tray of biscuits and tea. Lucy was sprawled on the sofa, eyes glued to her phone.
Lucy, I said gently, would you like some tea and biscuits?
She looked up, giving me a dismissive glance.
Im not hungry, she replied.
Just try one, I offered, placing the tray on the table. I baked them myself.
Reluctantly she took a biscuit and nibbled a corner.
Tastes good, she muttered.
Im glad, I smiled. Come sit, Ill get you a cup.
She sat down, still wary. Not long ago her stepmum was shouting at her, and now I was offering tea.
Lucy, I wanted to talk, I began. I know you dont like having me around your dad.
Its not supposed to be like that, she interrupted. Youre not my mum.
I understand, I nodded. Im not trying to replace anyone. I just want peace. Your dad is suffering because of our fights.
She stared into her cup.
I know you love your mother, and thats wonderful. But that doesnt mean you have to hate me. I love your dad too.
Youre lying! she shouted. Youre always fighting him!
We argue because things are hard, but that doesnt mean we dont care for each other, I admitted, waiting. She stayed silent, tracing the pattern on the tablecloth.
Lucy, Ive never wished you any harm. I just want us all to be happy. Youre the daughter of the man I love most, I said, hoping she could see that.
She lifted her head, meeting my eyes. The hostility had faded.
Really? she asked quietly.
Really, I replied, feeling a promise forming inside me.
At that moment Ian walked in, surprised to see us at the table, calm.
Is something wrong? he asked.
No, just talking, I said, smiling at him.
The evening turned out nicely. Lucy and I played Twister together, and Ian laughed heartily. For the first time, Lucy didnt seem to resent her stepmother. She actually seemed to enjoy herself. It felt like a small, hopeful shift, and for now thats enough.
