28April
Ive finally decided to write this down, if only to make sense of the tangled months that have followed the funeral. It feels absurd to put pen to paper about what has become a saga of love, loss, and suspicion, but perhaps the act of recording will help me untangle the knots.
Two weeks after we laid Victors mother to rest, Victor said firmly, I think Alice should stay with us. The little girl had been living with us ever since we arranged a temporary guardianship before her mother, my dear friend Megan, left the country. The arrangement was due to expire in a month, and we still hadnt decided what to do.
His tone, resolute as ever, sparked something in me. Is it because shes your child? I snapped, the words spilling out before I could catch myself. Admit it, Victor! Ive had enough of this endless waiting!
Victor looked genuinely puzzled. What are you waiting for, Jane? he asked. Did you really believe that that Paula? His voice softened, as if hed just realised the depth of my frustration. I thought you were a sensible woman.
I had to bite back my retort. Youll have to prove it, I said through clenched teeth. I wont decide until a DNA test comes back.
Victor nodded quickly, his face turning earnest. He agreed to the test, and the results confirmed that he was not Alices biological father. The shame crept over me like a cold drizzle, but at least the accusation that I had been a liar to Megan was now baseless.
Megan and I have known each other since we were in nappies. Our mothers shared a ward at the same maternity hospital in Manchester, and later we discovered our families lived on neighbouring streets, walked the same park, and even went to the same primary school. We attended the same secondary school and later enrolled together at the university in Leeds. We look alike, share similar temperamentsthough Im a little more headstrong, and Megan is, as her mother always said, far too gentle.
Our friendship has always been as solid as a good pair of wellworn boots. We helped one another through exams, broke each others hearts, and celebrated each others triumphs. My mother often said, Its a blessing to have a friend who feels like a sister, and Megans mum replied, Hold onto that, love; youll need it.
When Paula arrived at university, we didnt invite her straight into our little circle. She was determined, trailing us like a shadow, and eventually the three of us became inseparable, though Paulas presence sometimes strained the old bond. When Megan married an ambitious engineer four years her senior and moved away, Paula drifted away from us for a while, only to return later and restore the friendship.
Megan married next, at twentyfive, to Daniel Hart, a promising civil engineer. Victor and I yearned for children; there were no medical warnings, yet nothing happened. Then, three years into our marriage, MaryMegans youngest sisterunexpectedly announced she was pregnant. She refused to name the father, though I suspected it was Daniel, the man shed been seeing for a year before he vanished after a bitter quarrel.
Mary proclaimed, Ill manage on my own! I have enough money for the baby and a nanny. I cheered, Of course, Mary, well help you. Paula, ever the voice of caution, rolled her eyes and reminded us that a child needs a father and that responsibility is no small thing. At least youll raise the child with your husband, she muttered.
We all laughed it off. Mary, a bit of a stickler, became the godmother to Alice. Victor adored the little girl; he would often sit with her, read stories, and toss a ball around the garden. For a while, we forgot our own infertility struggles.
Six years after Alices birth, Mary met the man of her dreamsAndrew Miles. He was intelligent, handsome, kind, and attentive. It just isnt meant to be, she sighed when I asked why they couldnt be together. Hes probably married, Paula sniped. Or his mother is a hawkeyed tyrant.
Mary defended him fiercely. Hes divorced now; they barely speak. His mother, Elizabeth, is wonderful. When I pressed, Then why? Mary answered, Hes off on a work assignment abroadcrucial for his career. Paula scoffed, Great, youve lost a fiancé. I shot her a reproachful look and asked, Hes not taking you both with him?
Yes, Mary said, but we cant take Alice. She has to start school, she doesnt even speak the language yet. Andrew understood our concerns, but the situation left me feeling as if I were swapping a child for a man.
The next day I sat down with Victor, heart pounding, to discuss taking Alice in permanently. We cant let Mary lose this chance, I urged. Alice is practically family to us. Victor smiled, Im on board, love. Is Mary okay with it? I sighed, She hasnt said yet, but youre the best husband I could ever hope for, and clung to his arm.
Mary hesitated at first, then agreed, promising to send us money. I brushed it off, Dont bother, love. We said our goodbyes with tears, promising daily video calls. Alice adjusted quickly, aware that her godmother had become her new home while her mother was away.
During one of these calls, Paula dropped by, wine bottle in hand, venting about another lover who refused to marry or think about having children. You treat her like a sack of potatoes, helping her while she laughs at you, she slurred. What are you talking about? I asked, genuinely confused. Megan, of course, she giggled, shes clever, a bit of a pest.
Im warning you, Paulaeither speak clearly or shut up, I snapped. She retorted, Fine! It was Megans husband who fathered Alice, so Victors fine with us having her here. Why would he mind a strangers child in his house? She swayed unsteadily, Did you drink too much before you came in, or are those two glasses enough to make you babble nonsense? I stared, unamused. I could leave right now, but that doesnt change the truth, she declared, standing and drifting toward the door.
Victor, tucking Alice into bed, wondered why my friend had fled so quickly. He shrugged, Some people need fewer drinks. Its clear Paula is the third wheeljealous, shortsighted. I never understood how you two got along with her. It was the first time Victor ever openly criticised Paula, and I believed him, though a tiny worm of doubt began to crawl in my mind.
Memories of Victor meeting Megan behind my back resurfacedlate night coffees, secret smiles. I tried to act normal, but Megan noticed my shifting mood. Still, there was no concrete proof of betrayal; only Paulas accusations, which she later dismissed, Ive told you everything! Open your eyes and youll see! She threw down her challenge and vanished.
I started watching Alice more closely, noting how her laugh mirrored Victors, how she held a spoon the same way he did, how she loved chocolate with nuts just like him. The resemblance was uncanny, and I felt my sanity wobble under the weight of these suspicions. I began to argue with Victor over trivial matters, and he, baffled, suggested I see a doctor.
For three days we didnt speak. Then the worst news arrived: Megan and Andrew had been in a car crash. Andrew sustained serious injuries, but Megan was killed outright. Victor and I poured countless pounds and sleepless nights into arranging her burial back in England. In those dark days I almost forgot my doubts, but once the grief settled, the old anxieties resurfaced.
Two weeks after the funeral, Victor repeated his earlier resolve, I think Alice should stay with us. She had been living with us under an official temporary guardianship that was set to end within a month, yet no decision had been reached. His steadfast tone again riled me.
Is it because shes your daughter? I shouted, the words tumbling out. Admit it already! I cant bear this any longer! Victor, taken aback, asked, What are you waiting for, Jane? Did you really buy into that Paula nonsense? I thought you were a sensible woman and that youd see through this rubbish! I snapped back, What are you even talking about? There was never anything between Megan and me, and there couldnt have been.
Ill need you to prove it, I said through clenched teeth. Ill only decide after a DNA test. Victor agreed, and the test proved he was not Alices biological father. The shame that once sat heavy on my shoulders lifted a little; at least the accusation Id hurled at Megan was unfounded.
Alice remained with us. I cut off all contact with Paula, telling her exactly what I thought of her in a sharp, final outburst. Victor pretended nothing had happenedwhy dwell on the past? Especially now that Im finally expecting a baby of my own.
Signing off this entry, I cant help but wonder how much of my life has been shaped by doubts, by friendships that turned sour, and by the relentless hope that something good might finally emerge from the wreckage. Tomorrow, Ill have to tell Victor about the new baby news, and perhaps, finally, let go of the shadows that have haunted us for far too long.
