I never loved my wife, and I told her so many times. It wasnt her faultwe got on well enough. She never made a scene, never reproached me for anything; she was always kind and affectionate. But the problem remained: there was no love.
Every morning, I woke up wanting to leave. I dreamed of finding a woman I could truly love. But I never imagined fate would take such an unexpected turn.
With Emily, I was comfortable. Not only did she keep the house perfectly, but she was also stunning. My mates envied me, baffled at how Id landed such a catch.
I didnt even understand what Id done to deserve her love. Im an ordinary bloke, nothing special to set me apart. And yet, she loved me How was that possible?
Her devotion gnawed at me. What tormented me most was the thought that if I left, someone else would take my placesomeone richer, handsomer, more successful.
The idea of her with another man drove me mad. She was mine, even if Id never loved her. That sense of possession overpowered reason. But can you spend your whole life with someone you dont love? I thought I could, but I was wrong.
«Tomorrow, Ill tell her everything,» I decided before bed. The next morning over breakfast, I worked up the courage.
«Emily, sit down. We need to talk.»
«Of course, darling. Go ahead.»
«Imagine we divorce. I leave, and we live apart»
Emily laughed. «What a strange idea! Is this a game?»
«Hear me out. This is serious.»
«Fine, Im imagining it. What then?»
«Answer honestlywould you find someone else if I left?»
«James, whats got into you? Why are you thinking of leaving?»
«Because I dont love you. I never have.»
«What? Are you joking? I dont understand.»
«I want to leave, but I cant. The thought of you with someone else wont let me go.»
Emily paused, then replied calmly, «I wont find anyone better than you, so dont worry. GoI wont be with anyone else.»
«You promise?»
«Of course,» she assured me.
«Wait but where would I even go?»
«Youve nowhere in mind?»
«No, weve been together our whole lives. Id probably have to stay near you,» I said glumly.
«Dont worry,» Emily replied. «After the divorce, well swap the flat for two smaller ones.»
«Really? I didnt expect you to help me like this. Why would you?»
«Because I love you. When you love someone, you dont keep them against their will.»
A few months passed, and we divorced. Soon after, I learned Emily hadnt kept her promise. She found another man, and the properties she inherited from her grandmother? Shed never intended to share them. I was left with nothing.
How can I trust women now? Ive no idea. The truth is, I dont blame her. She gave me a way out and still offered kindness, more than I deserved. But every time I see her name in a letter or hear her laugh from across the street, I feel the weight of my own lies. I never loved her, I saidbut maybe I did, in the only way I knew how, buried under pride and fear. Now, in the silence of my small flat, I wonder if love isnt about possession, but letting goand if Ill ever learn the difference.
