24 October
I was jolted awake by my brothers sharp shout, the sound tearing through the thin wall of the guestroom. I had been dozing on my elbows in the narrow bed, trying to catch a few more minutes of rest. For the past two weeks Id been staying at my older brother Maxs flat while I scoured the city for a job and a place of my own. The move had been a strugglethere simply arent many prospects back in my little hometown.
A highpitched baby wail sliced through the flat. Fourmonthold Tommy was up, crying because his parents had just argued. I winced and slipped my hands into the hem of my dressing gown, perching on the edge of the bed.
Interview, Lena, Maxs wife, muttered lazily from the kitchen.
Interview? Are you out of your mind? Maxs voice rose. Youve got a newborn! What work could you possibly be thinking of? Your place is here, with the child!
I waited for a response from my sisterinlaw, but the apartment fell into a heavy silence, broken only by Tommys relentless cries. Then the front door slammed shut as Lena stormed out.
I left the room and made my way to the kitchen. Max stood in the middle of it, rocking the wailing infant shakily in his arms, his face a mix of anger and helplessness.
Always the same, he muttered when he saw me. She abandons the baby and runs off to her own business.
I slipped the baby from his grip, and he gradually settled, his cheek pressed against my shoulder. Max sank heavily into a chair, rubbing his face with his hands.
Lenas lost her marbles, he went on, staring into nothing. How can she leave a little one and think about a job? At least Im on holiday now, so I can look after Tommy.
I rocked the sleepy child gently, weighing his words.
Max, maybe you should try talking to Lena calmly, without shouting, I suggested softly. She could be dealing with somethingpostnatal depression is common. She might need professional help.
Max waved me off like a bothersome fly.
Depression? No, shes always been a free spirit, a careerwoman. I hoped that after the baby shed settle down, become a proper mother. She doesnt seem to be changing at all. She doesnt give a fig for the child!
I wanted to argue, but I stayed quiet. Tommy finally fell asleep, and I placed him gently into his cot.
Lena didnt return until evening. I was putting Tommy down when I heard the lock click. She passed the nursery without looking in. I stepped into the hallway and saw her silently preparing a dinner in the kitchen while Max sat in the living room, eyes glued to the telly, refusing to speak to her.
The atmosphere in the flat had become unbearable. I hurried back to my room and dialled Mum.
Mum, you wont believe whats happening, I whispered, recounting the days events.
She sighed heavily on the other end.
Oh, love, Lenas been like that since the baby was born. Max has complained to me more than once. It seems her motherly instinct never switched on. Poor boy, how hard it must be for him. I cant even imagine how a child feels when his own mother is absenthe senses everything.
After the call I lay in bed for a long while, trying to make sense of it all. I remembered Lena before pregnancy: a sweet, caring woman. Max was head over heels for her. Now the coldness she showed toward her own child, toward Max, seemed monstrous. Something was terribly wrong.
Lena would disappear from the flat for hours each day, leaving Max alone with the infant. He would take Tommy out for groceries or a stroll, trying to juggle baby duties with household chores. I helped where I could, but I knew this could not go on forever.
A week later Lena came back looking strangely bright. For the first time since she moved in, I saw the faint hint of a smile on her face.
Ive got a job, she announced at dinner.
Max froze midspoonful, his face turning a shade of red.
Are you kidding? he barked. Youve got a fourmonthold son! Youre supposed to look after him, not be running off to an office!
Lenas reply was icy.
This is my life.
Max leapt from his chair.
Youre selfish! You only think of yourself! Thats wrong! Youre a mother; you belong beside the child!
I watched Lena retreat into the bedroom, her shoulders hunching as if she were pulling herself into a shell. We didnt see her again that night.
The next day Max and I took Tommy for a walk in the park. Max pushed the pram ahead, complaining nonstop.
See how she treats him? Hes her own son and she doesnt care, he said, glancing at the sleeping baby. She never picks him up, never kisses or hugs him. What kind of mother is she? Not a mother at alljust a cuckoo!
I said nothing, unsure how to answer. I felt sorry for Max, yet something inside told me the story was far more tangled than it seemed.
We got back home a couple of hours later. The flat was eerily quiet. I flicked on the hall light.
Lena? You there? I called out.
Silence. I checked each roomkitchen empty, living room bare. Max, cradling Tommy, trudged toward the bedroom. I heard him gulp sharply and hurried after him.
He stood before an open wardrobe, half the shelves empty. None of Lenas things remained.
Shes gone Max exhaled hoarsely.
He sank onto the bed, still holding his son, his shoulders shaking.
Ungrateful! After everything Ive given herthis flat, love, marriage, a child! he shouted. I gave her everything and she just up and left!
I sat beside him, trying to steady his nerves. A cold dread settled in my stomach.
Max, what could have driven her to do that? Tell me honestly what went on between you two.
His eyes reddened, then he fell silent, gathering his thoughts.
The pregnancy was an accident, he finally confessed. Lena didnt want a baby. She said she wasnt ready, wanted to focus on her career. I pushed her, said we were both thirtysomething and it was time to settle down, have a family. She agreed, but after the birth she never grew to love him. I hoped motherhood would wake up in her, that shed bond with the child, but she just drifted further away.
My eyes widened. The picture Id built in my head shattered in an instant. I had thought Lena was merely being capricious, but the truth was far darkershed been pressured into a child she never wanted.
Max I could only manage a breathless whisper.
A few days later Maxs holiday ended. He returned to work, effectively handing the care of Tommy over to me. I didnt objectafter all, the baby was innocent in all this.
A week passed. One morning Max burst in, waving a stack of papers.
Shes filed for divorce! he shouted. And she wants to give up parental rights to Tommy! She said on the phoneIf I wanted the child, Ill look after him myself! Ive got a job, a flat; I can manage. She doesnt need any of it!
I rocked Tommy quietly, listening to Maxs tirade. With each passing day I began to understand Lena a little better.
The following week I was practically on my own with the infant. Max would come home, eat dinner, then collapse onto the bed. On weekends he either slept in or glued himself to the television. All the other chores fell on my shoulders. I started to see why Lena had fled. Max contributed nothing at home, never helped, only demanded.
Finally, after weeks of relentless crying and Maxs angry outbursts, I received good news: Id got a job. I found a modest onebedroom flat near the office. It was a relief to be moving out of that house. Max, however, was furious.
Youre abandoning us too! What about Tommy? Who will look after him? How can you just leave?
I met his glare calmly. I had to repeat what Lena had said to me.
You wanted the baby, Max. So look after him yourself. Stop shoving the responsibility onto others.
Now, in my new flat, Im unpacking boxes, arranging books on the shelves. The quiet here is soothing after weeks of baby wails and Maxs shouting. I pulled out an old photograph of Max and me as children, both grinning. My finger traced the image as I thought about how even those we idolise can turn out to be selfish, how a woman everyone condemned was merely protecting herself.
I placed the picture on the shelf and turned away. A new chapter lies aheadmy own life, finally, for once.
