**»Shell Regret This!»**
Thats what James thought when his wife, Emily, suddenly announced she was filing for divorce. Just yesterday, everything was fineshe was washing his socks, ironing his shirtsand now? Divorce papers! And for no reason at all! James worked hard, never hit her, barely went out, and drank in moderation.
«What more did she bloody want?!» he fumed. «Found herself some other bloke, did she? Well, shell regret it! Shell come crawling back in tears! Just you waitIll show her! Shell understand, but itll be too late!»
While he stewed in muttered curses, Emily was repeating the same things shed been saying for years:
«Im tired of doing everything! I work, I clean, I cook, I look after the kids. Im exhausted! Do you know how much you cost this household? Last time you disappeared for three days, I realised life was easier without you! The house was cleaner, quieterI didnt have to fry up steak for you! Without you here, I could make a shepherds pie that lasted two days instead of watching you inhale it in one go! I just want some peace!»
She took a breath. «When was the last time you read to Charlie? Ever taken him to the park? Bathed him? What does he hear from you besides Go away, Im tired? Do you even know what school hes going to? His teachers name? When his football practice is? You live under the same roof, but youre a stranger to him! All he sees is either his dad passed out on the sofa with a beer or snoring with a beer. What kind of example is that? Do you even remember his birthday?»
James barely listened. «Same old nagging,» hed scoffed yesterday while shovelling down her bangers and mash. «Just bored, isnt she?»
But nowdivorce? Out of nowhere!
«Shell regret this! Thinks some other bloke will want her? A thirty-something mum with a kid? Ha! Ill give it two days before she begs me back!»
«Ive packed your things,» Emily said flatly. «I cant stand the sight of you anymore. Get out.»
«Fine!» James chewed his last sausage defiantly. «Ill go! But whether I come back? Thats another question!»
He gave her one last chance to change her mindlingering by the door, shuffling his bags, taking ages to lace his shoes. But no luck. «Stubborn woman,» he grumbled, mourning the uneaten sausages as he left.
Off to his mums, then. She launched into the usual fuss: «What happened? Whyd she throw you out? It cant be for no reason!»
«Oh, but it can!» James insisted. «I did everything for that family! Worked my fingers to the bone! And what thanks do I get? She wants designer handbags and fancy dinners. Probably found some rich bloke. Thats why she kicked me out!»
His mum wrung her hands and rang Emily, but no recall came.
«Doesnt matter. Shell regret it. Whod want her with a kid?» James reasoned, browsing the discount ale at Tesco.
By the first court hearing, Emily lookedwell, great. Fresh haircut, makeup, smiling. Nervous, though, telling the judge thered been no marriage for years. «I did everything alone,» she said. «No help, no support.»
«Typical womans exaggerations,» James muttered, hands shaking. Needed a pint, but court decorum won out.
The judgea woman, of coursesmirked. «Do you drink excessively?»
«I barely touch the stuff!» James protested. «Two beers after work, tops! Right now, Im under stressmy wife left me!»
«Right,» said the judge, granting three months reconciliation. James glared at Emily. Still not regretting it?
«Ugh, are you drunk *now*?» She wrinkled her nose. Nope. No regret.
«Fine,» James decided. «Lets see how she fares without a man. Shell come crawling!» He pictured her weeping, begging. Him, magnanimous, setting terms.
But for three months, Emily ignored himno calls, no texts, as if hed vanished.
«Shes *definitely* found someone!» But Facebook stalking and discreet inquiries turned up nothing.
At the next hearing, Emily wasnt smiling. Serious, clipped answers. Still no reconciliation. «Waiting for me to grovel?» James smirked. «Dream on.»
And just like that, they were divorced.
Then came the awkward bit. The judge asked about custody.
«With me,» Emily said smoothly. «His fathers never shown interest. Ask him when Charlies birthday is.»
«Mr. Thompson?» The judge raised an eyebrow.
James fumbled for his paperworksurely it was in there.
«No peeking,» the judge smirked. Bloody women sticking together.
«June third!» he blurted.
«Todays the sixth!» Emily scoffed. «His birthday was *three days ago*! Hes seven!»
«Did you at least wish him happy birthday on the third?» the judge asked dryly.
James seethed. Why did women get these jobs?
No objections to custody. Fine. «Shell crack soon,» he thought, storming out.
But outside, Emily was laughing with a friend.
«Tanya! Fancy seeing you here!»
«Just court stuff. You?»
«Finalised the divorce! Free woman now!» She *laughed*.
James gaped. Her life was in ruins, and she was *laughing*?
«I thought youd be crying!» he spluttered. «Youll regret this! Ill sue for the house! For Charlie!»
«The house was my nans,» Emily said coolly. «And since when do you care about Charlie?»
«Whats *wrong* with you?!» James ranted. «You wrecked our family! Youll die alone with forty cats!»
Long after shed left, he kept muttering, «Shell regret this. He stood on the sidewalk, the weight of his emptiness pressing down as her laughter echoed into the distance. The house he thought was his was never really his. The son he barely knew was already slipping further away. And the wife who once waited on himnow gone, unbroken, even lighter without him. Days turned into weeks, and James wandered from pub to bench to his mums spare room, repeating the same phrase like a dying mantra. But deep down, beneath the pride and the pints, a quiet truth took roothe was the one whod wake each morning with a hollow chest, wondering when, or if, anyone would miss him. She didnt regret it. And he, alone with his anger, began to.
