«Marina, you cant just leave me! What am I supposed to do without you?»
«Same thing you always dodrink from morning till night!»
I slammed the front door behind me and collapsed into the drivers seat, tears streaming down my face. How had it come to this? A year ago, our family was the picture of happinessthe kind people secretly envied. But envys a funny thing. It creeps in when you least expect it, doesnt it?
****
«Marina, hurry up, get Vlad readyIve got a surprise for you! And dont forget warm clothes.»
My husband, Nicholasor «Nick,» as I called him when he was in one of his playful moodsloved surprises. This time, hed arranged a day out in the countryside for us and our son, riding snowmobiles. His colleague had recently bought a place about a hundred kilometers outside the city. A «cottage,» he called it. More like a medieval castle, if you asked mecomplete with turrets and what looked like a fortress wall around it. Calling it a fence wouldve been an insult.
«Well? What do you think?» Nick asked, grinning at my stunned expression.
«Its something. Gives me the chills, honestly.»
«Youre just cold. Come insideyou havent seen the fireplace yet.»
The inside was even worse than the outside. But the men loved it, and who was I to argue about taste? No point, really.
I tried not to look at the animal heads mounted on the walls. Nick swore they were fake, but that didnt make them any less creepy. Meanwhile, he and Vlad were perfectly happy tucking into grilled meat right under the snarling jaws of a boar. Vlad, acting every bit the little warrior, dashed around with a toy sword, battling imaginary monsters. I just kept my eyes on the fire, trying to ignore the rest.
Maybe the day sticks in my mind in such dark tones because it was the last day of my old life. Later, the owner would wheel out two snowmobiles, and one of them would take my sons life. Nick would be at the helm, and the guilt would drown himbottle after bottle, until he was lost in it.
I dont know why I was stronger. The pain I carried every day for nearly a year was indescribable, but I refused to let it spill out. It was mine, a part of me. No one else suffered like I did. People around me had no idea what it was like to face their cheerful smiles every day.
Sometimes I wanted to join Nick, to numb the pain with alcohol. But I knew it would only make things worse. Drunk emotions are rawanger, resentment, bitterness. Thats where Nick lived now, hiding behind those feelings like a tortoise in its shell. No matter what I did, he wouldnt come out.
I hadnt planned to leave him. I just couldnt take it anymore. So I started the car and drove. Snowflakes drifted onto the windshield, perfect as if designed by some computer program. I kept going, stopping at petrol stations, drinking coffee at roadside cafés. Once, I even checked into a hotel just to sleep.
My mind was blank. I wasnt driving *to* anywherejust *away*. I dont remember why I turned off the main road, but eventually, I ended up in a sleepy little town. I parked near a small green and sat there, motionless.
«Youll freeze out here,» a voice tapped at my window.
A group of teenagers walked past, and I was surprised by how concerned they seemed.
«Waiting for someone?» the voice came again.
I squinted into the dim light and finally saw an elderly woman walking a small, curly white poodlesnow-white, just like the ground beneath its paws. For some reason, I got out and approached them.
«Youve been sitting here a while, engine off. I got worriedeverything alright?»
«No,» I whispered.
Isnt it strange how its easier to open up to a stranger? Maybe because they dont dig through your past, looking for mistakes to blame. Or maybe because you can always shut them out if they pry too deep.
Next thing I knew, I was sitting on a stool in a cozy kitchen with blue curtains, a steaming cup of chamomile tea in my hands, and a crumpled tissue soaked with tears. Id thought Id cried myself dry in those first months after Vlads death. Turns out, there were still tears leftId just buried them deep, tired of empty condolences.
«Marina, Ive made up the sofa for you. Rest, then carry on to wherever nowhere is.»
«Alright,» I sighed, knowing I wouldnt make it back to the car.
That morning, I woke up smiling for the first time in ages. The clock ticked on the wall, sunlight filtered through thin curtains, and a rough tongue licked my nose.
«Gus,» I remembered the poodles name. He looked up at me, his face curled into what looked like a grin. Not a real smile, of course, but close enough. I giggled.
«Gus, leave the poor girl alone. Especially when shes hungry.»
Auntie Raemy newfound friendwalked in with a tray. The smell of fresh coffee and cinnamon rolls filled the air.
«Dont mind me,» she said. «When I cant sleep, I bake. And this was perfect timing. So herecinnamon rolls. But dont praise them out loud. Baking prefers silent admiration.»
«Hows that work?» I laughed.
«Roll your eyes and sigh happily. Thatll do.»
One bite, and I understoodthese rolls *earned* their attitude. My face mustve said it all, because Auntie Rae nodded, satisfied, and left me to the best breakfast Id ever had.
Nick used to bring me breakfast in bed too, back in the old days. Hed joke that a hungry wife scared him, so hed pile whatever he found in the fridge onto a traysandwiches, yogurt, even the occasional pickled herring. Not exactly a romantic wake-up call.
Oddly, the memory made me smile instead of ache. It was like diving into the past and surfacing with a breath of happiness. Who knew a cinnamon roll could lift your spirits like that?
I didnt apologize for barging into her life. Something told me itd offend her. After breakfast, I dozed off again, wrapped in a blanket, Gus curled up beside me. I woke at dusk, the house quiet and dim.
«God, what am I doing?» I muttered, scrambling up. My clothes were nowhere in sightAuntie Rae had dressed me in a robe the night before. Gus blinked at me, judging. «Gus, am I losing it? Sleeping a whole day in a strangers bed, in a strangers house, in a town I dont even know the name of? This is insane!»
The room looked like a teenagersposters on the walls, dumbbells by the window, a desk cluttered with knickknacks. I picked up a framed phototwo young men in uniform, smiling.
The front door opened. «Sleepyheads!» Auntie Rae called. «Dinners ready, and youre still out cold.»
I met her in the hallway. «Im so sorry. I dont know what came over me.»
«Good sleep heals everything. Hungry? Were having rabbit stew. My admirer gave it to mehes got a farm full of the things. Calls each one by name. Mad as a hatter, but a hard worker. Keeps asking me to marry him, but I cant picture life on a rabbit farm.»
«Auntie Rae how long have you lived alone?»
«Nearly thirty years. My storys a bit like yours. I lost my boy tooolder than yours, though. Army accident. After that, my husband and I well, we drifted. Two years of misery, then divorce. He drank himself to death back in his village. I buried him. After that, I nearly gave up, but an old woman set me straight. Told me I had to keep living if I ever wanted to see my son again. So I did. The pain changes, you know. Gets softer, almost sweet. Now Im just grateful for what I hadhis smile, my husbands love. Some people never get that.»
After that, I didnt want to leave. It felt like Id always lived therelike she was family, Gus was mine, even the flower-patterned wallpaper felt like home.
The next morning, the doorbell rang. Nick stood on the doorstep, scowling. «No lover, then?»
«What lover?»
«Any lover. This towns hardly the place for a secret affair.»
«Whats it called, then?»
«You dont even know?»
Auntie Rae chuckled. «Ill make pancakes. Young man, do you like salted mushrooms? Perfect with pancakes.»
«I think so? My gran used to serve them.»
«City folk and their delicacies,» she teased. «Out here, we just call it food.»
Nick and I stood frozen, then hugged like wed been apart for years.
Hed smashed a bottle after I left, then woke up terrified. «If I lost you too, Id never forgive myself,» he admitted. Hed tracked my phone to this «backwater town» (his words), convinced Id run off with someone.
We laughed for half an hour, then helped Auntie Rae make dumplings»therapeutic work,» she called it.
We stayed two more days, walking snowy lanes hand in hand, feeding pigeons, sharing rolls from the bakery. To anyone watching, we mustve looked happynot the broken shells wed been.
But all good things end. We had to go back.
As we neared home, I braced myselfwould the spell break? But Nicks hand tightened around mine, steady. *If it gets bad again, Ill just run away*, I thought, smiling.
«Well need a new rug,» Nick muttered, eyeing the cognac stain.
«Or keep it. Like Auntie Rae kept her sons weights and posters.»
For the first time, we talked about Vlads roomabout sorting through his things. We did it together, faces wistful but not grieving. I wondered who hed have wanted to have his toy cars. Whod get the green cap he never wore but kept anyway?
Nick strapped on a gorilla mask, imitating the time hed let Vlad wear it to the zoo. «Remember those hysterical mums?»
We packed bags for the childrens home, set aside keepsakes for his friends. We were strong. Not a single tear.
That night, we talked about the accident. For the first time, Nick admittedit wasnt his fault. No one couldve avoided that fall. Blaming him was like blaming a rabbit darting across the path or the tree Vlad hit.
I fell asleep in his arms, waking to the smell of coffee.
«Wheres mine?» I grumbled.
«To share,» he said, smiling.
****
Nine months later, Vlad got a baby sister. Im pretty sure she was conceived that night.
When I told Nick, he kissed me, then pressed his hands to my belly, warming the little life inside.
Auntie Rae had advised me to be brave. «Tell him straight,» shed said. So I did.
And just like that, we began again.
