**Diary Entry Love Lost and Lessons Learned**
*»Didnt they teach you as a child that you cant build happiness on someone elses misery?»* Emily gave me a slightly reproachful look.
*»They did. I read it in books. But as a child, it never really mattered. Back then, you dont understand what it meanshappiness, misery, how one could possibly be built on the other. Childhood dreams are simpler: more sweets, more ice cream, cartoons on telly, a trip to the cinema. Besides, all my aunts and uncles were on their second or third marriageswhere was I supposed to learn morality?»*
Emilys my friendalways proper, always principled. She never judged me, though. Over a glass of wine, shed happily listen to my tangled love stories. She couldnt afford such recklessness herselfshes a lecturer at the university, after all. Position demands decorum.
Her own marriage was stable, unshakable. In their younger days, her husband, David, had been fond of Bacchusdrinking, brawling, even straying. But Emily put an end to that. She had him quit the bottle for good. At parties, David would sometimes grumble that he deserved to unwind. Emily would just say, *»If you cant behave, David, best not try.»* Hed fall silent. Eventually, he took pride in playing bartender, meticulously pouring drinks and offering snacks.
They holidayed in Spain, in Greecebut even there, David found trouble. *»Would you believe it?»* Emily fumed after Barcelona. *»While I was at the pool, this mutt was at the bar, cozying up to some tart. Smiling, drinking, eyes full of mischief. Oh, but I gave him hell when we got back.»*
*»Bet he denied everything?»* I grinned.
*»Of course. Said I was imagining things.»* She scoffed. *»But really, wheres he going to go? Whod want him with his pitiful salary? Even if some lonely widow took him in, shed boot him out within a month. All hes got is that roguish glint in his eyenothing else.»*
Then came James. Married, two sons. I knew it was wrong, but I couldnt stop myself. My conscience whispered, *»Dont touch that hot iron. Nothing good comes from this. You have a familywhy chase a married man? Youll regret it.»* But I charged ahead. I was obsessed. James and I drowned in each other, love like a knife at the throatinescapable.
Barriers crumbled. We were alone with our ruinous passion. Six months in, it was clear we had nothing in common. But we convinced ourselves the love was still alive. I revived it, resuscitated it, again and again.
James drank relentlessly, lied shamelessly, even raised his hand to me. We were worlds apart. Id throw him out, change the locks, cut off his phonesilent treatment for days. Hed vanish, then return with flowers and feverish desire. I took him back, every time, because I loved him painfully, stupidly.
He drained me, hollowed me out. So I sought revengerushed into another mans arms. Victor was everything James wasnt: calm, polite, sober. At first, it was a relief. But within weeks, boredom set in. No fire, just flatline. I regretted letting him close. He wasnt for me.
Alone at last, I breathed. A month of peace. Then James called. *»Lena, we have to end this. Well destroy each other.»* My heart sank, but I agreed. *»Youre right. Were walking a razors edge.»*
We parted. For three days. Thenknock at the door. James stood there, champagne in hand, gaze burning. That night was wildfire, breathless, perfect. I knew morning would bring nothing good.
Turns out, my earlier torment was just the beginning. James confessed he owed serious moneygambling debts. If he didnt pay, thered be consequences. We sold his flat, his car and with that, my passion for him withered. That debt was the final straw.
Now? Indifference. Were like old friends, distant relatives. We laugh, we talk, we sleep under separate blankets. Life goes on, cold and quiet. Ive drained the bitter cup dry. No happiness built here.
Loved out, hurt out.
