**Diary Entry 21st November**
*»You dont need me anymore,»* the words echoed in my mind long after Emily and James had driven off. The house felt emptier than ever, the silence only broken by the ticking of the old grandfather clock in the hallthe one Margaret and I bought on our honeymoon in York all those years ago.
*»Mum, we talked about this!»* Emily huffed, unloading groceries from the boot of her car. Her irritation was sharp, like winter air. *»You cant just keep doing things your way. We agreedno more knitting jumpers for Lily.»*
*»I only wanted to help,»* I said quietly, setting aside the half-finished pink jumper. The wool was soft, expensiveId picked it specially, thinking Lily might like it. *»I thought shed appreciate something warm for winter.»*
*»Mum, shes fourteen. She wears hoodies and jeans, not hand-knitted jumpers. You just dont get it, do you?»* Emily slammed the fridge door harder than necessary. *»And we dont have time for tea either. Lilys got mock exams, James is swamped with work, and Im barely keeping up myself. Weve been over this.»*
I smoothed the creases in my cardigan. *»I only thought maybe Sunday? I could bake that apple cake Lily loves.»*
*»Dont start,»* she cut in. *»Were going to Sophie and Marks in the Cotswolds. Its Jacks birthdayremember?»*
*»Jacks sixteen already?»* I forced a smile. *»Time flies. Maybe I could come along?»*
Emily froze, as if the suggestion was absurd. *»Mum, its just the kids and their friends. Youd be bored stiff. And the drives too much for you.»*
*»I wouldnt mind,»* I said quickly. *»I could make Jack that honey cake he used to love.»*
*»Theyve ordered one from that bakery in Chelsea. Some fancy thing with edible photos.»*
I nodded, picking up the knitting needles again to hide the sting. They had their own lives now, full of things I didnt understand.
Emily checked her watch. *»Ive got to go. Dont forget your pills, and go easy on the riceyour blood pressure.»*
*»Thank you, love,»* I said, hugging her at the door. She stiffened, slipping out of my arms like Id burnt her.
*»Ill call next week,»* she said, already halfway down the path.
The house swallowed me whole after she left. Too quiet. Too still. I pulled out the old photo albumsJames and Emily building sandcastles in Brighton, Margaret laughing on the pier, their first days at school, graduations, weddings. Then the grandchildren: Lily as a baby, Jack in my arms. Id given up work early to look after Lily when Emily went back to the office. *»Were so lucky to have you,»* shed said then.
A knock startled me. It was Maureen from next door. *»Jean, have you seen the state of the heating? Cut off again! Fancy a cuppa? My kettles on the blink.»*
*»Of course,»* I said, relieved for the company. *»I was going to bake a cake, but theres no one to eat it now.»*
*»Emily pop round?»* Maureen asked, settling at the kitchen table.
*»Just dropped off shopping. Always in a rush.»*
*»They all are,»* Maureen sighed. *»My Brians the sametoo busy for his old mum till he needs a babysitter. You ought to just turn up at theirs. They cant stop you seeing your own grandkids.»*
I didnt tell her about the last time Id surprised Emily. The cold silence that followed, the week without a call. *»You cant just show up unannounced, Mum. We had people over!»*
Later that evening, James rang. *»Mum, listenabout the cottage in Dorset»*
My stomach dropped. The cottage was all I had left of Margaretthe roses hed planted, the porch where wed had tea every summer evening.
*»Weve found a plot for a bigger place near Bath,»* he said brightly. *»But we need the deposit. Thought we could sell the cottage? You never go there now.»*
*»Itsits all I have left of your father,»* I whispered.
*»Mum, be practical. The roofs going, and the kids dont care about it. Well give you your share, of course.»*
I signed the papers the next day. James was unusually attentive, helping me with my coat, chatting about the new houses guest room. *»You can visit anytime,»* he promised. But I knew better.
Two weeks later, Emily called. *»James got an offer in Toronto. Lily could go to university thereimagine!»*
*»Torontos so far,»* I said faintly.
*»Mum, dont start. This is our chance. We cant turn it down just because youll miss us.»*
Then James rang again. *»Mum, weve been thinking maybe you should move into a retirement home? Nice one near Cheltenhammeals, activities. And we could rent out your flat.»*
I clutched the phone. *»This is my home.»*
*»Were just thinking of you,»* he said, exasperated.
The calls grew fewer. Then one day, James announced they were moving to London. *»Great opportunity for Jacks school,»* he said. When he came to say goodbye, he brought chocolates, kissed my cheek like a stranger.
*»James,»* I blurted as he left. *»Do you even need me anymore?»*
He hesitated. *»Mum, dont be daft. Its just life moves on.»*
The door closed. The silence returned.
I picked up the phone and dialled Maureen. *»That trip to your sisters in Edinburgh for New Yearsmind if I tag along?»*
*»Jean! Of course!»* she laughed. *»About time you lived a little. The kidsll come crawling back when they need a babysitter, mark my words.»*
I smiled, watching snowflakes dance outside. Maybe she was right. But I wouldnt wait around to find out.
**Lesson learnt:** Children grow up, lives change. But you dont have to fade into the background. Sometimes, the bravest thing is to stop waitingand start living for yourself.
