I WANT TO FILE FOR DIVORCE
When I came back home that evening, I found my wife, Eleanor, arranging the table in the dining room for supper. I slipped my hand into hers, begged her to pause and sit with me for a minute, because I had something important to tell her: I want to file for divorce! She stared at me a heartbeat, then asked why. I had no answer, and my silence drove her into a frenzyshe stopped setting the plates, began shrieking incoherently, fell silent, then screamed again and then she wept through the whole night. I understood her pain, yet I could offer no comfortI had fallen out of love with Eleanor and fallen into love with another woman.
Guilt gnawed at me as I handed her a signed separation agreement, promising to leave her the flat and the car, but she tore the paper into shreds and flung the pieces out the window. She started crying again. I felt nothing but a sting of remorseafter ten years together, the woman who had been my partner now felt utterly foreign.
I regretted the years wed shared and longed to cast off the shackles, to fly toward this new, true love The next morning, on the nightstand, lay a letter outlining the terms of the split: Eleanor begged me to postpone the filing for a month and, during that time, to keep up the façade of a happy family. Her reason was the upcoming exams of our son, Oliver. There was also a strange requeston our wedding day she had carried me into the flat in my arms, and now she wanted me, for the whole month, to carry her out of the bedroom each morning.
Since Grace entered my life, physical contact with Eleanor had all but vanishedshared breakfast, shared dinner, sleeping at opposite ends of the bed. So when I lifted her in my arms for the first time after that long gap, a bewildering pang rose in my chest The applause of Oliver snapped me back to realityEleanors face was lit with a bright smile, while I felt an inexplicable ache. From the bedroom to the dining room was only ten metres, and as I cradled her, she shut her eyes and whispered so faintly into my ear: Dont tell Oliver about the divorce until the agreed date.
On the second day the role of the contented husband came a little easier. Eleanor rested her head on my shoulder. In that moment I realized how long I had stopped noticing the features I once adored, how they no longer resembled the ones from ten years ago On the fourth day, as I carried her, I couldnt help thinking that this woman had given me a decade of her life By the fifth day, a tender ache rose in my chest at the vulnerability of her small, trusting body pressed to mine. Each day the act of bearing her out of the bedroom grew lighter.
One morning I caught Eleanor standing before her wardrobe, bewilderedher whole closet now seemed absurdly large for her. Only then did I notice how she had thinned and sagged. That explained why my burden grew lighter with each passing day The insight struck me like a sudden blow to the solar plexus. Instinctively I brushed her hair. Eleanor called Oliver, gathered us both in a tight embrace. Tears welled in my throat, but I turned away; I could notand would notalter my decision. I lifted her again, carried her out of the bedroom. She clutched my neck, and I pressed her to my chest as firmly as on our first wedding day.
In the last days of the agreed period, a storm of confusion roiled within me. Something had shifted, turned upside down, beyond any word I could name I went to Grace and told her I would not go through with the divorce. On the way home I mused that the monotony of domestic life does not arise because love fades, but because people forget the significance each holds for the other. I veered off the pavement, stopped at a florist, and attached a card to a bouquet that read: I will carry you in my arms until the very last day of your life! Breathless with nervous excitement, I entered the front door clutching the flowers. I walked through every room, finally finding Eleanor in the bedroom. She lay there, lifeless
For months, while I floated on clouds of infatuation with Grace, my wife had silently battled a grave illness. Knowing she had little time left, she summoned her final reserves of will to spare our son from distress and to preserve, in his eyes, my image as a good father and loving husband.
