disappear and hell remember me straight away, I mutter, halfjoking, halfserious. So please, vanish nicely, or else I glare at the guy whos just shoved his elbow into my face.
What does any girl expect from a date at the pictures? It really comes down to how far shes willing to push the boundaries.
Some girls are ready to invite their date over after the film, or even to get cheeky in the back rows of the cinema itself. Others are more modest, preferring the classic route: hold hands during the flick, share a kiss, then finish the evening at her doorstep.
Either way, the very fact that Im sitting next to a bloke because he asked me out tells him Im, at least for now, his girlfriend. It also means the spot was vacant before. So theres no reason for a scene like the one that erupted with Sophie in the lobby when a stranger swooped in, grabbed my boyfriends arm and, voice trembling with jealousy, demanded, James, whos she? Why are you holding her hand? Ive been losing sleep, worrying youve disappeared, and you
Any girl in that position would at least blush and try to slip away. At most shed shriek, Yousillything, are you two seeing each other together? and fling the fresh bouquet she just received at him before strutting out, heels clicking.
Sophie belongs to the first, more daring camp, but she doesnt react in time. James, scowling, snarls at the intruder, I told you to go. Youve decided were over, so stop chasing me. Sophie, lets go.
I dont hear the rest of his insults because he grabs my arm and pulls me toward the right screen. The situation feels settled: James isnt dating the other girl; she apparently dumped him. At least thats what James claims. The truth, however, could be entirely different.
I decide to postpone any confrontation until after the film. It would be rude to hash out relationship drama in front of the whole audience, and besides, James paid for the tickets, so we should enjoy the movie rather than interrogate him about random girls in his social circle.
When the credits roll and we step out onto the street lit by the parks lanterns, we head toward the block where my flat sits. The conversation finally turns to the newcomer.
I hope you didnt read too much into it, James says apologetically. I dont usually collect lunatics; my friends and family are solid. This one just slipped in.
His remark hits a sore spot. My previous boyfriend left me because his sister and mother never accepted me, so any talk of odd acquaintances feels raw. James tries to reassure me, Im not the type to drag you into weird situations.
What actually happened? I ask, genuinely curious.
We were dating, or so I thought. What do you call a relationship where we hang out, hold hands, kiss, and in a group she ends up sitting on my lap, calling me sweetheart and kitten? he asks.
Sounds logical, I reply.
And guess whats also logical? If a girl invites you over to fix her computer, she tells you the brother took it to the countryside yesterday, then suggests you watch a DVD together.
Someone still uses DVDs? I laugh. Realising Ive drifted off the main point, I answer, If a girl gives you a flimsy excuse to get you into her flat when no one else is home, Id assume shes offering a cup of tea and a film.
Now add a sheer robe, fishnet stockings, heartshaped candlesabout ten of thema bottle of wine with snacks, and a movie thats clearly rated 18+. James adds, painting the scene.
All the usual romancemovie stuff, happy ending included, he says.
Then you could just dash to the chemist for a condom and start the fun, I think, catching his drift.
Exactly my thought, James continues. Im on the sofa, the moods right, she lands next to me, I wrap my arm around her, we start kissing. I reach for her dress and she smacks me across the face. She screams, What are you doing? Im not like that!
Id just walk out of that madhouse, I mutter.
I did. I slipped on my shoes, heard her say its over, and left. He sighs. Yesterday she called, acting as if nothing happened, asking why I wasnt texting, why Id forgotten her, saying we were fine.
And you? I ask.
I ignored her. Why would I waste time on a lunatic? There was no reason to hang around waiting for someone better. Im not into that sort of game.
Yeah, and now shes stalking you, hoping for what? I press.
From her tirade I gathered she wants me to chase her, to dote on her, to shower her with gifts, hoping Ill bow down like some knight. He shrugs. Im not a desperate bloke; you can find a girl without all that drama. In todays world, chasing someone isnt even legalany yes must be genuine, any no stays a no.
Sophie agrees with James and promises not to play any dirty tricks. If she says yes, it means yes; if she says no, it means nono bargaining.
She treats her ex as a crazy ex and would forget the whole episode as a bad dream, if it had been a oneoff.
Just then a voice calls out, Hey, youre Sophie, right? Its a former university mate, Alison, who walks past the campus gates.
Alison, a name I barely recognize, steps up. We need to talk. You didnt treat him right, you know? He was busy, and you swooped in and took him for yourself.
The lad told me hes single, Alison, and Ive told him to stay away as far as I can recall, I reply.
Whatever, youll disappear and hell think of me, she hisses, so do me a favor and vanish properly, or Illwhat are you pointing at?
She flashes a badge, the insignia of a police sergeanther fathers uniform, the cheapest excuse to scare off a relentless stalker.
I could have spent ages proving that James wasnt interested in her, that Sophies presence wouldnt affect James and Alisons friendship, or even escalated to a fight. That would have risked everything, especially for me. Instead, Alisons plan works perfectly. She barely speaks to her dad, a captain stationed far away, but his badge scares anyone off.
When Alison sees a photo of James, she swallows hard, mutters a few curses about the lads, and leaves. James stops getting messages from random accounts, something he tells me about a week later.
She admits she told me everything just so James would be aware, without any judgment. People like her only understand the hard way, she says. If Id known earlier, Id have steered clear, but she seemed decent at first.
Sophie nods, agreeing that Alison seemed normal until she opened her mouth. By then, it no longer mattered how unbalanced Alison was; the important thing was that she vanished from Sophie and Jamess lives, hopefully forever.
Maybe shell find a willing chaser or, as Sophie hopes, a proper gentlemanperhaps a selfabsorbed cheftype narcissist. After all, every creature needs a partner, so they can leave ordinary folk alone. Isnt that a lovely thought?
