Darling, dont worry, James said, gently wrapping his arms around me and pulling me close. Weve still got plenty of time ahead. Well have kids someday, a little one who looks just like us. You hear me? Absolutely.
I nodded, pressing my face into his shoulder, trying to believe his words. I wanted to. Inside, though, a cold, heavy weight had settled, making it hard to breathe fully. Three years of marriage. Three years of hope, disappointment, endless doctor visits, tests, scans and nothing to show for it.
I know, I whispered, though even I wasnt sure I believed it any more.
James planted a kiss on my crown. For a moment, warmth flickered, but it felt like he was just wearing a mask, hiding his own frustration and anger.
At first he kept his promises. He was there, supportive, caring. Hed bring flowers for no reason, whip up a Sunday breakfast, hug me at night when I broke down after yet another negative test. He was kind, patient, loving.
Then, slowly, things shifted. It started subtly. James began staying late at the office, then the trips started business trips more often than not. He stopped pulling me close in the mornings, kept his distance when I tried to snuggle on the couch after work. Our conversations grew shorter, more formal, reduced to oneword answers and blank stares. I tried to tell myself it was temporary, that he was just exhausted from the constant pressure, the waiting, the letdowns. I told myself things would settle if I just held on.
And so another year and a half slipped by.
One minute, love, we need to talk, James said one evening while I was washing the dishes after dinner. His tone was unusually serious, almost official. I turned slowly, plate in hand, and asked, About what? My voice sounded foreign to me.
Im filing for divorce.
Four words. Four little blows, and my world crumbled. The plate slipped from my fingers, shattering on the tiled floor. I stared at him, eyes wide, trying to process what Id just heard.
What?! I sputtered.
Sorry, he said, looking away. I cant do this any longer. Im tired tired of waiting, tired of hoping. This isnt the life I imagined. I want children, a real family. Were not a couple any more; were just two people under the same roof. Its time to stop pretending everythings fine.
I sank onto a chair, my legs giving way, a hollow void opening up in my head.
I dont blame you, he continued softly. It just happened this way. I cant keep pretending Im happy. Im sorry. He turned and left the kitchen. I heard him gathering his things in the bedroom, then the soft click of the lock and silence.
Time blurred into one big, grey smear. I kept going to work, cooking for myself, tidying the flat the same routine as before, but inside there was a gaping emptiness. Loneliness wrapped around me like a cold fog you cant shake off. I blamed myself for not holding the marriage together, for not giving James what he wanted.
The only bright spot in that darkness was Clara, a mate from university. Wed shared secrets, dreamed about the future together. She was there when James walked out, showing up with scones and tea, sitting with me, hugging, listening. No advice, no judgments just presence.
Everything will be alright, Mabel, Clara would say, rubbing my back. Youll get through this. Youre strong. I nodded, though I didnt truly believe her, but her warmth reminded me I wasnt completely alone.
We met every week, usually at a café or someones flat. Clara talked about her job, her husband, her plans. I tried to be happy for her, even though my own heart was clenched tight with pain. Her life seemed perfect a loving husband, stability, everything Id lost.
But gradually I noticed things slipping. Clara started replying to messages less often, finding excuses to cancel plans at the last minute. Her smile felt strained, her eyes darted away. Shed rush off, citing urgent matters.
It wasnt just Clara. Our whole group drifted apart. The group chat went quiet. No one pinged me first, no invites came. It was as if Id become invisible, collectively ignored. I told myself they were just busy, that everyone had their own lives, but a chill settled in my chest and wouldnt leave.
Then Claras birthday rolled around. Wed always celebrated together since university cake, champagne, presents, laughter until the early hours. This year, though, there was no call, no text, no invite. I waited all day, hoping shed just forgotten, but her phone stayed silent.
That evening I couldt take it any longer. I bought her the scarf shed been eyeing, wrapped it nicely, and drove to her flat just to say happy birthday, just to show I still cared.
From the stairwell, faint music and voices drifted out a party was in full swing. I paused, gathered my courage, and knocked. The sounds didnt stop. After a minute, the door swung open.
Clara stood there in a lovely dress, a glass in her hand, her smile frozen the moment she saw me. She looked genuinely surprised, almost caught off guard.
Mabel, she breathed, what what are you doing here?
I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, I said, handing her the gift, forcing a smile as a painful knot tightened in my throat. Happy birthday.
She didnt take the present. She blocked the doorway, eyes darting away, as if something inside her wanted to get rid of me quickly.
Why didnt you invite me? I blurted, unable to hold back any longer. We always celebrated together. Whats happened, Clara? Why am I being ignored?
Clara looked down, ran a hand through her hair. Laughter drifted from behind her, and I found myself peeking into the flat. What I saw made my breath stop.
There was James, standing at the kitchen table, his arm around a blonde woman with a bright smile. He leaned in and kissed her, a long, tender kiss.
My world spun. James was at Claras birthday, with another woman, and I hadnt even been invited.
Clara grabbed my hand, pulled me into the hallway, and shut the door behind us.
Listen she began, voice trembling. Explain whats going on? Why is he here? Why wasnt I invited?
She let out a heavy sigh, leaning against the wall. Her eyes flickered with awkwardness and irritation. We kind of got friendly with Dave during our marriage. You know, he was my best friends husband. We talked a lot, and after the split I didnt want to cut him off. Hes a great bloke, fun to be with.
…and you chose his side, I finished, feeling the chill deepen. Weve been friends since university, Clara. How could you?
Its not that simple, she said, crossing her arms. Being with him is easier. He doesnt dwell on problems, he doesnt whine. Honestly, no one wanted to listen to your endless complaints any more. It was wearing everyone down. They were tired of the heavy atmosphere. Tired of you.
She spoke as if she were describing the weather, her tone flat. Besides, she added quickly, Daves life is sorted now. Hes in a new relationship, soon to be married, his girlfriend is expecting. Everythings perfect for him. If wed all been at the same party, itd have been awkward for everyone. We just wanted to avoid drama.
I nodded slowly, mechanically, as something inside finally snapped. James would soon be a father, with a new family, the life he always wanted that never came with me. And I? I was suddenly unnecessary to everyone.
I understand, I murmured, handing her the scarf. Here, happy birthday.
Clara took the box without looking at me.
For all these years of friendship, you couldve said this to my face, I continued, meeting her gaze. Instead you hide and make excuses only when the truth pops up. I thought we were honest with each other, but I guess I was wrong.
She stayed silent, staring at the floor, clutching the gift.
I wish you happiness, I said, turning toward the stairs. Enjoy your night. From me
My footsteps echoed down the stairwell. I clung to the rail, my legs wobbling, breath shallow. I just wanted to get outside.
Cold air hit my lungs as I stepped out onto the street. The tears Id been holding back finally burst out, hot and fierce, streaming down my cheeks. I walked down the deserted pavement, crying from hurt, from betrayal, from sheer loneliness.
In less than a year Id lost my husband and, it seemed, all my friends the ones I thought would be there when things got rough. An old saying popped into my head: you find out who your true friends are in hardship. Turns out I have none left, maybe never had any.
I wiped my eyes and headed home, to a place where no one was waiting. Yet somewhere deep inside a faint thought lingered that this isnt forever, and that everything that happens does so for a reason.
