28April
It feels as if Im stuck in a loop of selfishness, and I cant stop thinking about it.
Emily, please, dont leave me! my cousin Diana begged, gripping my arm. Without you I wont be able to get Ian on his feet! Im broke, I dont work, and you earn a decent salary Can you lend me at least ten pounds? Ill pay you back, I swear. Just a little later
I stared at her, my heart heavy. In my life, Diana is the closest thing to family I have left. My relationship with mum has long since gone cold, and I barely keep in touch with my younger sister because of an old family feud. Ever since I was a child Ive felt shortchanged by my own blood. I paid for my university degree on my own and spent years trying to find my place. When I finally started earning a decent wage, the first thing I did was secure my own flat I took out a mortgage and bought a twobedroom near the centre of London.
I have always been a workhorse, never shying away from extra tasks, often dragging projects home and spending weekends on them. Diana, on the other hand, loves luxury holidays and lives largely off men, habitually borrowing money from me until my next pay packet. At first I didnt see anything wrong with that.
One evening my phone rang. Dianas name flashed on the screen.
Hey, Emily! Hows it going?
Hey. All good, busy at work. You?
She let out a long sigh.
Listen, Ive got a bit of a problem. My landlord just hiked the rent and I need fifty pounds ASAP, or Ill be kicked out!
My stomach dropped.
Why now? Whats the reason?
She says its because everythings getting more expensive. Can you help?
I hesitated, thinking over the request.
Ive been saving for a holiday
Emily, please! Ill pay you back in a couple of days. A chap promised me some cash, Ill return it to you.
Diana, Im putting money aside for a break, and
Can you hold out a couple of days? Please!
I sighed.
Fine but only for a few days. I dont want my holiday to fall through because of your irresponsibility.
Oh thank you! Do you have my card details? Send it over!
I sent the money, but the repayment never came.
—
Three months later I gathered enough nerve to call Diana.
Diana, hi! How are you?
Oh Emily, Im fine. What do you need?
I felt a wave of shame.
Remember the money you borrowed?
Yes, of course. So?
I really need it back now. My phone broke and I cant hear clients. I need a new one, but Im short of cash Please, give it back.
She scoffed.
Emily, a new phone is a bit lavish, isnt it? Maybe look for something cheaper?
I tried to justify.
Phones are pricey these days, and I need a decent one for work, to run the software.
Sophie, I cant pay you back right now. I moved into a pricier rented place, you know how much that costs.
But you promised
I remember, I do! As soon as I sort my own finances Ill pay you, honestly.
I exhaled heavily, recalling the earlier disappointment. After a few more direct pleas and the usual excuses, I resigned myself to losing that money.
—
A few months later Diana called again.
Emily, I need your help urgently!
What now?
I need cash, anything you can spare.
Emily, I told you Im strapped. My quarterly bonus still hasnt arrived.
Just a little, please. Im emptyhanded and my stomach is growling.
Have you seen a doctor?
No time!
You havent been working for two months.
So what? Stop flattering me, just give me the money.
I sighed.
The most I can spare is five or six pounds.
Five pounds? Are you joking?
Thats all I have, Diana.
Fine, send the five.
I started avoiding her, but she kept popping up in my thoughts, reminding me of her constant demands.
—
When Diana got unexpectedly pregnant, my problems multiplied. She was seeing a promising young solicitor and was convinced the child would secure a comfortable future. I didnt share her optimism. Over tea I tried to voice my doubts gently.
Diana, maybe you shouldnt rely so heavily on this fellow?
Why not? He loves me!
Weve only known each other a week. How can you be sure?
He truly loves me! Hell propose as soon as he knows about the baby.
I think youre being a bit reckless. What if he doesnt marry you?
Hell still support us, hes a decent bloke!
Better to have a plan for yourself
Oh, come off it, Emily! Youre just jealous because you dont have a man! Once the baby arrives everything will be fine.
Months later Diana turned up at my flat in tears.
He he he left me!
Who left you?
My boyfriend.
He nodded, choking on his sobs.
He said the baby wasnt his. He said I have men lining up like that, and threatened me if I tried to blackmail him.
I told you
Dont say anything! Im already a wreck! What do I do now?
Diana if youre not confident, maybe consider ending the pregnancy?
She erupted.
What are you saying? Its five months! I delayed everything so it wouldnt look like I was after money! Where do I go now?
But you said youre scared you cant cope. What will you live on? You have no job, no cash. Hes walked away, refusing any responsibility.
Enough, Ill give birth and see what happens. Maybe Ill write a refusal letter, maybe hell change his mind. Can you lend me something for the first few weeks? The doctor prescribed expensive vitamins and Im flat broke!
I opened my banking app, feeling the weight of another loan.
—
Diana collected her son from the hospital and almost immediately began shifting all her problems onto me, masking them as for the baby. From dawn till dusk shed ring.
Emily, could you pop into the shop? Were out of milk and Ians crying.
Its nine at night, Diana. Cant you manage? The shops just down the road.
I cant, my back started hurting this morning, I can barely crawl. And I dont want to dress Ian.
Please, just this once.
I sighed.
Alright, Ill go. But thats the last time.
Thank you, love! While youre at it, grab a pack of nappies, oat milk, a bag of chicken breasts and some sausages. Ill be waiting!
When her son fell ill, she would call in the dead of night demanding I fetch medicine from the outofhours pharmacy.
Emily, Ian has a fever! I need help right now!
What happened? We just spoke a few hours ago!
I dont know, hes screaming, cant breathe. I spoke to a paediatrician friend who suggested a fever reducer. Can you pick it up from the night pharmacy?
Diana, are you serious? Just because a friend said so? Call an ambulance!
No, the ambulance will just take him to the hospital and theyll discharge him. The paediatrician sells these fancy supplements, I trust her. Bring it, please, its for the childs health!
This is too much. Why should I trek across town at night?
But hes crying! You dont want anything bad to happen to him, do you?
I forced down my irritation.
Fine, Ill be there, but this is the final time.
Every personal request from Diana, even the mundane, was presented as essential for the child. I fed, dressed, and treated Ian for a year and a half.
Then the last straw came.
Emily, I need a new dress urgently, Ive nothing to wear. And Ian needs new shoes
Diana, thats enough! I cant keep doing this. You keep demanding things for the child, and Im exhausted. I have a life too!
What do you mean exhausted? Who will look after us now? Do you want my child to starve and be naked?
I want you to start taking responsibility for your own life and your child. Im done supporting you!
You selfish! You only think of yourself! What am I supposed to do now?!
Do whatever you want, but not with my help.
I blocked her number. She spent the rest of the day sending spiteful messages, demanding money and apologies. I held my ground; she never got either. The next morning I went to the office, changed my contact number, and breathed a sigh of relief.
Now I have a lot to reflect on, beginning with how I ended up here. The path was winding, but perhaps this is the moment to finally start walking my own road.
